...20lb turkeys take forever to defrost....
And I don't just mean forever...I mean forFUCKINGever.
Ok rewind a bit. About a week or so before Thanksgiving, my mom comes in my room and drops a minor bombshell. No it wasn't news that I was adopted or that I had a long lost brother in Egypt or something. She wanted me to cook our thanksgiving dinner. Now normally this isn't such a big deal right? Well think of how Thanksgiving dinners normally go. A large group of people, typically family members, friends, relatives, all get together, and each person (or family or whatever) is responsible for bringing something to the meal. Typically the host family (or house or whatever) takes care of the turkey as this traditionally takes the most time. Well we USED to do that with another family that lived in Melrose, at least until they moved away to Washington DC, thereby altering all of our traditional family get togethers (I'm not bitter, I just miss them... :( ). Well since then, our family has been floundering a bit, trying to figure out what to do whenever Thanksgiving rolls around (proof that my procrastination tendencies are actually genetic...)
So my mom hits me with a "Eric you should cook for thanksgiving", knowing my propensity towards the culinary arts. But knowing that I am also something of an adventurous chef (read as slightly insane...or just go "lol he thinks he's an Iron Chef" like I do most of the time...), she suggested that I should find recipes online. So I set off in search of recipes for our thanksgiving feast....nearly a week later (It's not my fault! I was BORN THIS WAY) I finally settled on a set of recipes that hit all the major Thanksgiving setpieces, and best of all it likely required the lives of at least 3 animals to create (which is always a good marker for a meal in my opinion). So I get my ingredient list and my mom hits me with another bombshell. She doesn't just want some puny runt of a turkey, she wants us to have a giant birdzilla. She wanted a turkey to the tune of 22lbs.
Ok lets see how good your memory is. How many people would be coming to dinner?
Did you answer "Just your family Eric!". Good.
Here's some more details to really paint this picture for you. My family consists of myself, mom, dad and my brother. Yep. That's a 22lb turkey for 4 people. Oh but wait, there's more. My mom? She's a vegetarian. Yep. That's 22lbs of turkey for 3 FUCKING PEOPLE.
Well in true procrastinating fashion, we waited until the night before (That's Wednesday night for those of you keeping score at home) to pick up EVERYTHING. So, as per my mother's wishes, there were nothing left but honking big turkeys. So we got the smallest one we could find, weighing in at a hefty 20lbs...
Thursday morning: 8AM, I'm up and violently shaking my brother trying to get him to wake up (as he was supposed to be my sous-chef for the day). I begin prepping for the cooking frenzy that is to come throughout the day. I began prepping the stuffing and the glaze for the turkey (Apple Cider, Maple Syrup, Herbs and LOTS OF BUTTER). At about 10 or so, I took a break to go and pwn some high schoolers at Ultimate Frisbee, then came back. Mentally fired up to roast a motherfucking bird, I'm stopped short by the realization that that sum-bitch was still MOSTLY FROZEN, after having been placed out ALL NIGHT.
Have you ever seen a balloon deflate slowly? Yeah that was kinda what it was like. Well three hours (and some emergency in-oven defrosting) later, that bastard was ready to go in the oven (well...back in the oven...but whatever...who's keeping track anyways...).
Well it was pretty damn delicious all told. But naturally (as with all such things), we barely put a DENT in that turkey, and in true cooking all day fashion, by the time that thing was on our table and ready for consumption, I was already sick of turkey...
...And that's what I learned over Thanksgiving. (again)
PS: Yes the spread was epic. Did you even need to ask?!