Tuesday, December 14, 2010

...I'm very ambivalent towards vanity plates...

I've never really been a fan of vanity plates. I'll just get that out there right now. Mostly because the vast majority of vanity plates are owned by douchebags and their trophy wives. But at the same time, there are vanity plates in the world that just make me smile, they make me genuinely happy.

Lets start out with the former shall we? (Because I like complaining...in case you hadn't figured that out already).

What do I mean when I say douchebags? Well lets think back to something my friends and I saw while wandering the streets of Boston the other day (For those of you who weren't there...well...use your imagination or something...) While walking through central square back to my friend's apartment, my head was turned by an inordinately nice car. It was a silver Bentley....or it was a silver Aston Martin. I honestly can't remember...Do you know why dear readers? Because my attention was instantly drawn to the license plate. Yep that fucker had a vanity plate. And do you know what that son of a bitch put on his license plate?


Now yes there are MANY explanations for why such an AWFUL license plate was busy defiling such a beautiful and well crafted car. Perhaps it was a gift to this person for being such a positive force in the workplace. Perhaps it was a gift from the person's wealthy spouse thanking them for being such an energetic partner in bed. OR...and this is the MOST likely scenario...that car was bought by some fuckass salesperson who decided the best way to TRULY treat themselves (besides just buying a fucking $200,000+ car) was to slap a vanity plate on it CONGRATULATING HIMSELF FOR BEING SUCH AN AWESOME FUCKING PERSON (and yes I know it was a guy because NO girl out there would do something so FUCKING STUPID. That's right you heard it here first ladies, we guys are retards...all of us...)

Well my choler rose up to my eyeball skins. I would normally not even consider leaving a single fingerprint on such a beautiful piece of artistry and engineering, but at that exact moment, I thought to myself "Hey you know...I've always WANTED to flip a car and set it on fire....Viva la revolucion!"

That brings me to my next point. You remember how I said vanity plates were for douchebags and their trophy wives? Well you know what else I can't stand? It's when someone buys a car for himself and his wife, and the plates read "MINE" and "HERS". Really guy? You really had to put "MINE" on your car? What is this, 3rd grade, where you horded all the smelly markers, shoving each one of them up your nose like the greedy shit you are, declaring to all those around you that those were YOURS and NOBODY ELSE COULD HAVE THEM? Does that mean if her car is in the shop, you won't let her drive it? Because, like a dog, you have basically lifted your leg and urinated all over the tire of YOUR car and declared it YOURS. Fuck that. If I bought a car for myself and my wife, I would have the license plates read "OURS" and ALSOOURS". You know why? Because relationships are NOT ABOUT WHAT'S YOURS AND MINE. It's about COMPROMISE AND SHARING! SHARING IS CARING! (Barney taught me that! And you had better fucking listen to Barney because he's a goddamn dinosaur and he'll EAT YOUR FACE)

Now that I've gotten all that out of my system...there have been times when a vanity plate has made me smile inside. Walking to work one summer a few years back (If you're reading this and it's not 2010 or 2011, you should probably check the time/date stamp and do the math....that's right I'm futureproofing my blog...), I came across an older car. It was nothing to look at, the aqua green/blue paint hearkened back to that black spot on history known as the 80s. But that did not matter, do you know why? Because the license plate read "TERRAN". Yes THAT is what I consider a worthwhile vanity plate. Why? Because that one word, which means so much to those that understand it, is neither offensive nor utterly self congratulatory and in the face of those who don't. Another one I saw while at the subway station the other day garnered much the same reaction. It read "EPKFAIL". Again, the plate demanded nothing of those around, it was humble, it was subtle....

OK FINE it was NERDY as HELL and THAT'S why I liked it...happy now?

...And that's what I learned today.

PS I think we should all get vanity plates of just RANDOM stuff. Get a vanity plate that reads "INTRNT" or "BOTTLE" or "NINJA" or "CHAIR". Yes lets start a campaign that forces everybody considering getting a vanity plate to be forced to choose ONE everyday object. First object that pops into their mind and THAT will be their license plate. What plate would you get if you had to get one that DIDN'T SUCK?


  1. dude... we all already knew men were retards, in the same way most men already knew women are crazy :P

  2. True story, but I figured I'd put it out there anyways :)

  3. http://imgur.com/gallery/VKuOh
    ^ a good one

  4. hahahahaha that's a great one!

    See that's the kind of awesome vanity plate I love! Thanks for posting the image whoever you are :)