Wednesday, January 4, 2012

...Shitty music special...again...

Well 2012 is here and with a new year comes new, shitty fucking music. That's right ladies and gentlemen, the shitty music posts are back. And in keeping with the rigid standards that we keep here at TILT, this post is coming to you on a Wednesday rather than its normal monday, but quite frankly, I'm bored at work and this is too good to pass up.

I was inadvertently sent this video by College Humor (inadvertently meaning they posted it on facebook and, as they are one of the few non-personal pages that I haven't blocked, I saw it and am now taking some small sliver of credit for finding it). Just the title is cringe-worthy, but dig a little deeper and you realize the true nature of 2012's first Rebecca Black-ian horror. Coming to you live from the studio that her father paid for because she's a college educated generic white chick, I give you:

Pound on my muffin by Shira K

1) Music: This is just more generic garage-band looping. Uninteresting and doesn't push any envelopes to say the least. Boring boring boring. But then again, when you're dressed like the cheapest crackwhore on the wrong side of town, synth strings and class are probably outside of your budget. (Or so you would like us to think)

2) Vocals: Ok this is where things start to get interesting. We've heard some horrible vocals on here before. We've had screaming, we've had pitch problems that even autotune couldn't help, we've even had scenesters who thought they could rap. But I have to say that this is a real first for me. Her vocals can only be described as sounding like someone who thought that Ke$ha sounded far too classy and that what her style of crackwhore music needed was sounding MORE like a used up crackwhore. And don't get me wrong, I love Ke$ha (as I've stated several times in this blog alone) but there is such a thing as taking it too far, Kreayshawn was getting close but simply wound up in the realm of boring. Somehow Shira manages to do everything right and ended up making everyone else sound classy by comparison.

3) Lyrics: The fucking song starts with "I know you miss this muffin". I mean that right there...should pretty much sum up the lyrical quality of this video. To say that Shira is not a wordsmith is an insult to those who lack talent. I've heard better rhymes come from a 3rd grader because AT LEAST A THIRD GRADER KNOWS NOT TO RHYME A WORD WITH THE EXACT SAME FUCKING WORD. But I'm not that strict on it. What I take most offense to is the pairing of the lines "My shades are Versace and my drawers are secret" with "So sexy in my Victoria's secret". WE FUCKING GOT IT THE FIRST TIME. As an artist, this is the equivalent of saying "My boxer briefs say CK on them/oh by the way did I mention that I wear calvin klein underwear? Well I just wanted to clarify in case you didn't get it the first time." Also who the FUCK says "drawers" in this day and age? I'm guessing she's going to be talking about her designer petticoat in her next video. Between the failed attempts at sleazy ("I'm a very freaky girl/Don't give it up for nothin'"), pimp ("Hustlin' pushin' what I'm coppin', Chiefin' (sp?) for free on that bomb Hyptoniq"), and just plain weird (what does "Puffin' on his puffin" even FUCKING MEAN?) the lyrics to this song read like a handful of rap magnetic poetry words were shotgunned onto the face of a fridge and then read off by someone in the midst of a severe concussion.

4) Video: THOSE ARE FUCKING CUPCAKES YOU GODDAMNED WHORE. Seriously this looks like the ghetto version of Katy Perry's California Girls music video mashed up with still shots of some guy sleeping and girls shaking their asses in front of terrible green screening. Fuck everything about this video. Even the choreography sucks.

5) Summary: Perhaps I'm wrong to judge here, but fuck it, it's fun. This video, this song, everything about this is shit. Ever fiber of my being hopes this turns out to be a joke because it makes me unbelievably sad. For a change, I decided to look her up on twitter (because it was listed at the end of the video.) EVERY FUCKING USERNAME from twitter to facebook to youtube INVOLVES MUFFINS. And what's worse is that it's played on the radio apparently. If you needed ANY convincing that radio is nothing but trash, THIS FUCKING SONG MADE IT ON TO THE RADIO. Beyond that, her tweets involve things like "love me, hate me, ur still talkin bout my jam." I seriously hope that this is a joke because I don't want to live on this planet anymore if it's real.

Suggested Audience: If you liked Rebecca Black's Friday but thought that what it REALLY needed was a liberal handful or two of glitter, herpes and a crack addiction, this song would be for you.

PS: did anyone else notice her dad driving the fucking car at the end of the video? I'm sure he was super happy that her college education REALLY went to good use. She done Pittsburgh proud.