Yeah, I know. That face you're making? The one where your jaw is agape and you're possibly drooling on yourself with shock? Yeah that's the one I'm making too.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Yeah, I know. That face you're making? The one where your jaw is agape and you're possibly drooling on yourself with shock? Yeah that's the one I'm making too.
Friday, December 16, 2011
Awkward and awfully written introduction piece over, lets get down to why I'm writing this post.
When I say I never thought I would be writing this blog post, I meant it. I never thought it would come to this...ever. But I guess it's finally that time.
I started playing an MMO. Yes that's right I've started playing Star Wars the Old Republic...and I'm enjoying it...
"But why is this so weird? Lots of people play WoW and SWTOR just came out and you're lucky to get in early and blah blah blah blah" I hear you ask. Well I guess this deserves a bit of explanation as all of you out there in Internet land haven't lived your entire life with me the same way I have. (That's a lie...only my friends read this anyways...)
Flashback to the 1990s. Everquest hits the shelves to massive acclaim. What's Eric doing at this point in time (besides awkwardly staring at girls and running away screaming when they made eye contact?), well decrying the unjust system of payment levied by the greedy game companies that Everquest embodied. I swore that I would NEVER play a game that required me to first purchase the client and then PAY MONTHLY to play the damn thing.
Move forwards a bit. The Xbox is released. With it comes Xbox Live. What's Eric doing at this point in time? Playing Halo with his buddies in their basement all the while proclaiming "Never shall I give in to the tyranny of paying to play my games online! This is clearly just money grubbing from the obviously corrupt and greedy Microsoft! But I will stay strong! The internet should be a free and wild place where people can game for free and mod to their hearts' content!" (Did anyone else picture me wearing a monocle and top hat here? Well if you didn't before, you just did.)
Since then, WoW, Eve Online, Guild Wars, LOTRO, and many more have come and gone, yet I remained steadfast in my disapproval of subscription based payment models in gaming.
Well sadly, that has changed. After getting peer pressured into preordering a copy of SWTOR, I got an email saying that I got into the game early. So after logging off my work computer, I proceeded to create my character and start playing. And then I realized several things. First, I realized that it was midnight. Second, I realized I hadn't eaten dinner yet. Third, and most importantly, I realized just how easy it was for people to starve to death playing MMOs. Seriously! I went like 12 fucking hours without food and didn't even realize it. I'M A FAT KID. I LIKE FOOD. AND WHEN A FAT KID IGNORES FOOD FOR THAT LONG, OTHER PEOPLE WOULD ACTUALLY WASTE AWAY AND DIE. Luckily for me I had plenty of calories stored up and the fast didn't bother me, but GODDAMN.
So long story short, this is likely the last blog post I ever write because I will be dead by the end of the month after forgetting to eat or drink or breathe air thanks to this goddamn game. Fuck my life...
...And that's what I learned today.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Monday, July 18, 2011
I agree with Yahtzee that Duke Nukem Forever was a game that could (and probably should) have been shat out by any halfway decent studio in an incredibly short period of time. And I don’t remember what production cycles were like back then. But looking at a game like Half Life, they came out with Half-Life, Opposing Forces AND Blue Shift within 3 years. That’s one super hit game and two full length add-ons in a matter of 3 years. Compared to the 15 fucking years it took to make Duke Nukem Forever (DNF HAHAHAHA GET IT? IT’S LIKE THE ACRONYM FOR DID NOT FINISHLTROLOLOLOLOLOL), the legendary “valve time” seems like fucking nothing at this point. But, intrigued and perturbed by the prospect of getting a playable demo of Duke Nukem, I decided to give it a shot and see what it was all about.
Yes I already knew the critics were lambasting the game, crucifying it for not being the second coming of Christ in video game form. But I, being the impartial, unbiased, objective paragon of critical quality that I am, decided to give the game a shot just to be fair to it. Well needless to say, even having not held my breath for 15 years for this game, I was still somehow sorely disappointed. Rife with piss a shit jokes, the demo certainly kept the immature tone of the original works. The very beginning of the demo started with Duke peeing into a urinal (as a quicktime event). Naturally, Duke is not known for his silent stoicism, and as such, takes every opportunity to speak. This gave me the strange and somewhat uneasy feeling that I was actually controlling another person against their will (as opposed to most other games where the protagonists do us all the favor of keeping their fucking mouths shut). This was most prescient when I, as allowed by the game, forced Duke to pick a large turd out of the toilet and fling it around the locker room. Quite frankly, his protests of "why am I doing this?" only made me want to continue, cackling with glee the way one would imagine an evil puppeteer would. Finally growing weary of that nonsense (and with the vast majority of flat surfaces now stained with digital feces) I exited the locker room to find some NPCs dressed in military wear, discussing a fight with a large alien that had taken up residence on the football field outside. After a brief mechanic where Duke (again through quicktime type events) draws up a battle plan (with markers that actually leave no visible mark on the white board), I could only conclude that not only did Duke suffer from some kind of massive psychosis that not only causes him to believe that someone else is controlling him, but similarly, he hallucinates drawings marks on a whiteboard.
Well after a good deal of faffing about, Dicktits McGee wanders out into the hallway only to watch a few unnamed soldiers get destroyed by....something. After guiding the addlebrained ape through a series of corridors and picking up something called a "devastator", I rise up onto the field via an unexplained (and entirely impractical) elevator to confront my foe. The thing is hard to describe. But suffice it to say, it is ugly and shoots missiles. Well I will give it one thing, it doesn't suffer from the "glowing-weak-point-shoot-me-here" syndrome that some other games fall into. That said, it also means that would-be boss battle was BEYOND easy. It charges, I move and shoot at it. I run out of ammo, go pick some up, dodge missiles, shoot at it. Rinse. Repeat. After probably 15 minutes of this drool inducing bullshit, the monster goes down and Duke kicks its eye through the field goal posts. Cue American flag, title and fireworks. So far, so cliche.
Zoom out of the TV and Duke is playing the game about himself while two likely illegal school girls finish up their...homework.... They crack a joke about how the game "had better be good after fifteen fucking years of waiting" as the girls wipe their mouths. Suddenly, I find myself in a monster truck, nuclear logo plastered on every surface dodging helicopters dropping bombs on me. And that is as far as I got. I'm sure there was a joke somewhere in there about a shitty vehicle section or what have you, but I just was not in the mood. I'm sorry Duke, but you put a fucking vehicle section in your goddamn demo?! You must either be seriously stupid or just not give a flying fuck to do something like that. A shitty vehicle section is not something you show off when you are trying to wow customers into buying your game. A shitty vehicle section is something you surprise and dismay your customers with AFTER they've bought the game, much like herpes or a cajun demon baby.
I am all for a game that is over the top. I loved the hell out of Bulletstorm and its unending torrent of dick jokes. And a game that is aware of how bad it is generally manages to endear itself to me much like Nick Cage's entire repertoir. However something about this game feels dated and out of place...even after a game like Bulletstorm. It feels childish and old, immature and crude, but somehow misses the nostalgia mark completely. Duke is ultimately an aging relic of games past, and ultimately, was only kept fond in memory. And that's where he deserved to stay. Bringing back the Duke was the one thing they could have done to destroy the franchise completely, and they did it. In the end, I feel bad for everyone who bought the game for nostalgia's sake, because the utter disappointment of this game could only be comparable to hiring a hooker to come to your house, only to find out that not only is she packing a rod of her own, but hers is bigger than yours.
Duke should have stayed dead.
...And that's what I learned today.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Friday, June 24, 2011
Monday, June 20, 2011
Monday, May 30, 2011
Scream For My Ice Cream - Blood On The Dance Floor
1) Music: Apparently I missed some kind of memo, but when did 90's style rave-pop become awesome again? (And yes, you can correctly infer from this previous sentence that I still do absolutely rock out to Cascada, Alice Deejay, and Darude...) Seriously, between this song and that poor excuse for a bridge those crabcore weirdos came out with, I like to think that that overly cheerful, needlessly bright ecstasyrave is back. Though while Alice Deejay and Cascada kept to old, outdate topics like love and happiness, Blood On The Dance Floor have localized ravepop for a whole new generation of misanthropic teens with weird hair. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Here the music is best summarized as something that I think I can safely say we all knew and loved, a reminiscent memory of a past life, the smell of your childhood home, the familiar creak of a playground swing, the feel of your favorite article of clothing, this, like those, is like a familiar sound of something you held dear to your heart, now played through the shit colored filter of terrible lyrics.
2) Vocals: (I'm going to sound like a terrible person...but here goes). You know that voice that everyone does to sound like a flamboyant gay guy or a ditzy blonde valley girl? Well that's what these vocals are. That's all they are. And yes sure sure you can make the argument that these guys are bi (yes I did some research, no I didn't look it up on wikipedia, this time the youtube comments section was my source) but that doesn't make these "vocals" acceptable by any standards. Maybe they're trying to be different, maybe they're trying to be Ke$ha (why do I keep coming back to her for some reason???), maybe that's just the way they talk, but the fact of the matter is, in the end, in a performance piece, to me anyways, it simply comes off as needlessly obnoxious, kind of like how your younger sibling would be annoying you by holding his/her finger as close to you as physically possible while screaming "NOT TOUCHING YOU NOT TOUCHING YOU NOT TOUCHING YOU!" Yeah, THOSE are the memories that these vocals bring to mind...And then the song goes to screamo...(so I guess that makes this the inversecrabcore...and no BOTDF, if you're reading this, inverting someone else's style does not make you not formulaic...just FYI)
3) Lyrics: Once again, here is where things quell up the majority of my bile. These lyrics are beyond filthy, and once again, that voice isn't doing them any help. Now this isn't the first time anyone has used the lollypop analogy (HE MEANS HIS PENIS) but somehow, it just seems creepy now. And once that bit is done, let the screaming begin. Now I've always assumed that screaming had it's place, mostly to express some kind of inner angst that's filling you up to the point that you just have to scream it out loud (see what I did there?). Perhaps this is a narrow point of view, but somehow, screaming about dancing and moving one's body on the dance floor (you know, modern, hip, poppy bullshit?) just seems beyond stupid. I mean you could scream about your goldfish dying and we, the consumer, would be understanding. We know that goldfish meant the world to you oh poor emo child, we know now that it was the only one that got you...and now that fish, your one and only friend has met its demise. You scream and we get it. But this? It equates to something like "AAAAARGH I'M HAVING SUCH A GOOD TIME! RRARARRAGGGGHHHH I'M SO GLAD WE CAME TO THIS CLUB! BLUGHUGHUHGBLBGUHUHLGLLGBGH I SEE AN ATTRACTIVE FEMALE THAT I WISH TO SPEAK TO!!! PERHAPS SHE WILL DANCE WITH ME RAHGHAHGHAHHUHGUHGH!!!" That's right BOTDF, you've even managed to fuck up screamo...and that was a sentence I NEVER thought I would have to type...All in all, the lyrics are a sad mess of hypersexualized content, misplaced lyrical/musical decisions, overused (and now creepified) penis/lollipop metaphors and a whole lot of repetition (you know...so the kids REALLY get the point)...I think I've said enough, the video has all the lyrics in it, when you're done reading along, you'll want to take a shower too...
4) Video: There is none, only lyrics that some fan put up on youtube. That's probably because whatever label they've signed to is too destitute to produce one for them, and so they've gone to the likes to myspace and other such social media sites to spread their word to all the poor little teen girls who have all finished twilight and are looking for their proverbial edward cullen in something more concrete.
5) Summary: Some quick background, does everyone know the story of Jessi Slaughter, the 11 year old girl who managed to piss off 4chan and suffered their wrath for it? (If not, go look it up...it'll make you lose faith in this country's future) Well SHE listened to this nonsense religiously and that's how she turned out. I'm not one to draw conclusions from just this one instance, but I reeeaaaalllllyyyy can't think of any adult listening to this and thinking "Hmm yes, this is a fine specimen of a tune. I cannot wait to show this to all my friends so that they too may partake in this glorious example of modernity and cultural advancement!" (did you read this and imagine me wearing a top hat and monocle while sipping daintily on a cup of tea?)
Suggested Audience: Your parents. No seriously, send this to your parents, because if they listen to this, you can simply point to BOTDF and all of a sudden, your obsession with GWAR and Turisas (or whatever else your parents deem offensive) seems perfectly reasonable by comparison.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Monday, May 16, 2011
1) Music: I will admit, there is a sort of odd retro charm to the music here. This is probably the least offensive part of the whole affair (except maybe the vocals...MAYBE). All of the tunes sound like they were recorded using Mr. Deacon's grandmother's old Casio keyboard with one speaker that is half blown out from the decades of abuse and cat hair clogging the speaker drivers. The drums sound like they were being played by a spastic 6 year old with only a vague understanding of how the damn things function, but somehow it all works....I don't know why or how...it just....does...
2) Vocals: ok so as always, I had to look up the lyrics on this one because, while he isn't screaming them into the microphone, he mutters pretty badly, thus leading to ENTIRELY INCOMPREHENSIBLE words. That, combined with the high pitched mewing sound (which I can only assume Mr. Deacon recorded himself) that reminds us all of a cat being violated against its will makes for an experience that can only be compared to sitting in the front row of your old middle school history class, where your teacher is about 84 years old and muttering about something you can barely pay attention to. You lean forward and try to pick up on some vague historical fact when all of a sudden, his gnarled fingernails screech down the chalkboard, snapping your head back like you were rear ended by a Mac Truck and making your teeth to that involuntary grinding thing. Yeah...it's kinda like that.
3) Lyrics: I'll record a personal video message for whoever can figure out what the fuck these lyrics are about...seriously...just...just go here....I don't even.... http://www.lyricsmania.com/the_crystal_cat_lyrics_dan_deacon.html
4) Video: Ok so for all of you with epilepsy WHO SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN WATCHING THIS VIDEO...are missing out on probably the strangest part of all of this nonsense. Maybe Mr. Deacon had a thing against epileptics...maybe one hurt his feelings when he was in the midst of his formative years, but it REALLY does not justify the flashing lights and stupid tribal symbols that are now burned into the centermost area of my visual field. Moreover, a good portion of the video is taken up by Dan himself convulsing over a table full of electronics while wearing the most fashion forward of matching grey sweats and coke bottle glasses...seriously...dude looks like a rapist....no joke...The rest of the video is taken up by smash cuts to what I can only assume are Dan-o's creepy, awkward friends dancing about in thrift store halloween costumes that include such all american greats as "That one biker that's always picked last for kickball" and "awkward not-quite-mullet guy with cop-stache" and "reject shy guy native american drum circle" (that's all I could pick up on before my eyeballs turned backwards in my skull to have a stern talk with my brain...which probably went something like "I'll fucking kill you if you ever do this again")
5) Summary: Danny-boy, who made it famous with his "drinking out of cups" video CLAIMS to never have used drugs (at least during the making of that particular video). Quite honestly, I'd prefer it if he had been using drugs during the making of this fucking thing because quite frankly, the implications of a lack of drug use are FAR more frightening than if he simply did drugs. But anyways, in summary, quite the freaky experience and almost guaranteed to give you nightmares...seriously I hope you're not watching this thing right before bed...that's just dumb....seriously...that's as dumb as...watching the video...if you have epilepsy...
Suggested Audience: Drugs....no not drug users...just drugs. If you're a particularly potent tab of LSD or ecstasy, you'll probably enjoy this song...unless you're being actively consumed by someone who is trying to figure this song out...then you'd just be dead.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Monday, May 2, 2011
1) Music: I would call this an utterly generic cookie cutter hip hop beat, but there is really something special about this one. In keeping with the Jersey Shore way, "The Situation" has added his own personal brand of crazy to this one. And, in keeping with the Jersey Shore way, that means actually SAMPLING the like "Woah, we've got a situation" and making it PART OF THE FUCKING SONG. We get it Mike, you like yourself, you wouldn't be on TV if you didn't. But seriously, that is the worst fucking sample in the history of things sampling things (Except for that one time that I went to Whole Foods and one of the free samples was a dose of cod liver oil. That was fucking nasty).
2) Vocals: Between The Situation's already barely comprehensible accent to the Lil Jon wannabe in the background, there's not much to be said here. I mean, the guy just basically talks at you in rhythm and gets his ass autotuned just like every other mediocre musician out there. But seriously, Lil Jon should be the ONLY person who does what he does in this lifetime. Accept no imitations, because everything else just comes off as a cheap knockoff of the original (and I'm Chinese so I know ALL ABOUT cheap knockoffs)
3) Lyrics: Once again, I find I have the most problem with the lyrics of this song. I can't even blame a ghost writer for these fucking words because The Situation's grubby little finger prints are ALL over this song. Lyrics about $85 cologne and girls riding shotgun back to the situation's pad just feel...icky...I think part of that stems from the fact that I don't know the intimate, personal details of the life of, say, any other singer with similar lyrical content, and thus I have reason to simply NOT believe what they're saying. With The Situation though, I've seen him work his mysterious guido magic on people. But anyways, back to the point...a lyrical wordsmith genius voice of a generation The Situation isn't. I mean quite frankly, from a professional standpoint, The Situation's ego has likely swollen in his head to the point that it is actually putting real physical pressure on his brain inside his skull, causing him to only be able to use the word situation (you know, kind of like a pokemon, only infinitely less cute and/or badass...unless having every STD known to science is an ability...whatever it'll still be more useful than splash). So here's a game you can play. Take a shot every single time you hear them say "situation" in the song. I guarantee you you'll be dead of alcohol poisoning before the end of this fucking song (or barring that, halfway through it you'll come to realize just what you're doing and end it yourself).
4) Video: There isn't one, just a picture of The Situation being skeevy and staring at you the same way that weirdo from the Human Centipede looked at his victims...only more "ripped up like rambo"...and tan.
5) Summary: I don't know any of the other names on this single, but if they thought riding The Situation's coat tails to fame and fortune would work, they are sorely mistaken. I honestly hope this song does not get any more recognition than it deserves, and what it deserves is to be taken out back behind the shed and put out of its misery. I would be incredibly surprised if the producers of the Jersey Shore show will even let it see airtime.
Suggested Audience: Anyone who feels as though they need to be closer to the situation will likely get a pretty good simulation of the experience by listening to this, staring at a picture and somehow ended up with herpes.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
1) Music: I will admit, the beat is pretty catchy. It's unusual for me to think that, especially because everything about this beat evokes images of a carnival of horrors in the absolute worst way possible. (Then again, I guess that's the whole goddamn point...) That said though, it was a nice break to be able to listen to something outside of the generic synth-hop tracks again and again. Still though, there is something innately unnerving about it...I keep picturing something out of ICP...Dark Carnivals and Juggalos wandering around wondering how magnets work and the like...anybody with me on this one?
2) Vocals: THEY'RE WHITE. Again I don't mean that rap should have only one sound, but even Vanilla Ice had to fake it a little bit. There's just something about rap that, when "sung" with no accent, just kind of makes you want to pat them on the head and go "Oh you! You're so silly!" Until someone truly spectacular comes along and "changes the game up", I'm going to stick by this clearly narrow-minded point of view. And no, Lonely Island doesn't count, though I do like them quite a bit.
3) Lyrics: Here's where we run into some real problems. Normally when I listen to rap, and they claim to have drank, fucked, and murdered their way to success, some internal safety mechanism stops that thought process and goes full reverse into complete and utter denial. Somehow though, when Hollywood Undead says these things...I totally believe it. With such choice lyrics as "This girl is seventeen, now I'm a pedophile", "Then she munched on his dick like a macho burrito", and "Undead dick", you know you've already hit the bottom of that massive bucket of cocaine you keep in the corner (for "creativity") and have started licking the sides out of desperation. But back to my original point, somehow when these masked hooligans talk about fucking underage girls and zombie penises, I really do believe they're telling the truth...(also zombie penis is probably the most abhorrent thing I've written on this blog to date...)
4) Video: There isn't one. The use of speech bubble youtube annotation was adorable though.
5) Summary: Maybe it's the masks, maybe it's the fact that they all sound like serial killers, maybe I've been watching wayyyy too much TV recently and my overactive imagination is starting to take over, but either way, these kinds kinda freak me out at some base, core level, and I'm not easily unnerved. OH Maybe it's actually just the fact that I'm doped out of my mind on allergy meds and don't have a solid grasp on reality right now. Either way, in trying to merge the psychotic fringe look with the mainstream lyrical subject matter, Hollywood Undead has only managed to create a weird circus of John Wayne Gacy impersonators drinking 40s in my mind. Thanks for giving me nightmares for the next month you assholes.
Suggested Audience: Juggalos looking to "broaden their horizons" and who don't want to pursue an elementary school level education to do so. Fucking juggalos...
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
...That said though...I have to bring some of their more recent actions into light....more on this as it develops.
Now as stated above, I'm no fan of conservatism, and I'm no fan of religious fanatics in any way, shape or form. I stand by your right as a US citizen to practice whatever religion you wish, however religion has no place in government, and it has no right to intrude on my private life. Thus, two of my most reviled groups in this world right now are the Westboro Baptist Church and the United States Tea Party.
Lets start with those ever-lovable tea-baggers shall we? I mean where to begin....for one, they're all insane. I don't think that I have heard a single convincing argument as to why I should listen to a tea-party candidate with any degree of seriousness whatsoever, because lets be honest, the most publicity their most famous candidate got was over her supposed affiliation with fucking witchcraft...and that, a solid political platform, does not make. I do have to admit though, I applaud their spirit in trying to change the political landscape in the US. I mean, if we had to tolerate having only two flavors of ice cream, violent revolt would have broken out in this country LONG ago. So I really do appreciate their trying to break out of the mold...RIGHT up until the republican party nervously laughed and pulled them all back under the dark, evil, vampiric cloak that is their political agenda.
And on to the WBC....You remember how I said I respect everyone's right to practice their religion privately? Yeah the WBC is a perfect example of a religious group that does EXACTLY the opposite of that. Someone once said, "religion is like a penis, what you do with it in private is your business, but what I don't want is you whipping it out in public and I DEFINITELY do not want you shoving it down my or my child's throat". Well shove it down our throats they did. From protesting soldiers' funerals to performances of The Laramie Project all the way to picketing SAN DIEGO COMICON toting signs with slogans like "Thank god for dead soldiers" and "God hates fags" (pardon the language), it's really hard to like these guys, even to support their right to practice their religion. I mean seriously, I'm not hardcore stars and stripes nationalist, but I would NEVER go that far.
So back to the beginning of my post...what does the KKK have to do with any of this? Well it seems as though, the actions of the aforementioned establishments are simply too extreme for the KKK...that's right...the WBC and the Tea Party are TOO MUCH FOR THE KKK TO HANDLE. In official press releases (can they actually have press releases?) the Ku Klux Klan LLC " has not or EVER will have ANY connection with The “Westboro Baptist Church”. We absolutely repudiate their tactics of protesting the funerals of U.S. soldiers, men and women who die serving our Nation." and urge their followers to distance themselves from the Tea Party citing their involvement in politics and having "compromised their agenda to support the Progressive Socialist enslavement of the American people." THAT'S RIGHT LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. The WBC and the Tea Party apparently make the INFAMOUS KKK a little uncomfortable.
I'm really not sure what to say...I mean, I don't support the KKK, but it's kind of hard not to agree with their disagreement with the WBC and the Tea Party. More the the point though, HOW FUCKING HARD do you have to FAIL that the KKK of ALL THE FUCKING PEOPLE IN THE WORLD come out with the official stance of "oh yeah we aren't touching that bucket of shit...yeah...no bueno there...we'll be over here...being all white...and stuff". I think that actually takes some real fucking effort...I mean you really have to try to get the KKK to dislike you...and to disagree with you, and to officially disallow ALL MEMBERS to go to your little club meetings (I'm looking at you Tea Party). So I guess all that's left to say is, good job WBC and Tea Party, you've managed to turn the single oldest, most well established repository of crazy in this country against you...and that in and of itself, is worthy of praise...
...now take your goddamn pills.
...And that's what I learned today.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Let me draw up a scenario for you. You're a sophomore in college (probably a girl...lets be honest here...), and it's your first day with your brand new macbook. You've already set it up just the way you like it, and downloaded your favorite non-standard browser (chrome most likely...Firefox if you're a stumble addict like me...) and now you're poking around the preloaded software to see if there's anything interesting. Lo and behold, you come across a little application called "photo booth". Curious, you click on it and it obeys your commands, bouncing happily on the dock as it loads. The webcam activates and your face appears on the monitor. Curiouser still you click on the camera. The application counts down and, unprepared for the picture, you make a stupid face as though you were paused unexpectedly mid-sentence (a place where nobody and I do mean NOBODY is photogenic).
Well after a few retakes, you finally have a vaguely acceptable picture. But then, oh what's that? This button says effects. I wonder what that does. Barely able to contain your excitement, you click the button and up pops a menu. Like a kid on christmas, you tear through each and every single filter. From sepia tone to that stupid Andy Worhol multi-colored one, from the filter that makes your head skinny to the fish-eye one that makes you fat. Of course, seeing as you've been given this VIP access to instant hilarity, you must take one photo with every filter. Like a mad scientist, you giggle incessantly to your own distorted visage as though this is the most hilarious thing you've ever come across (as if you'd never EVER seen a funhouse mirror in your life before). Naturally this infinite well-spring of good cheer simply cannot go unshared. So you run down the hall and get all of your friends to come experience the glory that is your new-found photo-taking-application. Inevitably, they find this application hilarious as well and, giggling like a group of teenagers who bought their first ever copy of Cosmo (and yes I'm talking to you too guys...you know you laughed at that thing). After you've had your fill of hilarity and mirth, your rampage is not complete yet...oh no. Now, like the ever loving philanthropist you are, you feel the need, no the compulsion to share your treasure trove of laughs with the rest of the world. So what do you do? You put them all up on facebook.
That's right ladies and gents. The ONE universal truth in this world is that somehow macbooks inevitably mean that YOU, the OWNER of said macbook will create an ENTIRE 300 PHOTO ALBUM ON FACEBOOK of you going through EVERY. SINGLE. FILTER. and taking pictures with your friends. Now I may be a jaded, cynical internet superstar, but there has to be a line drawn somewhere. I mean one can only look at so many permutations of a person using that half-of-your-face-mirrored-so-that-it-looks-like-your-whole-face-but-isn't-quite-perfect filter or that REALLY OBNOXIOUS Andy Worhol multi-colored unicorn vomit of a filter before you become a hateful son of a bitch like me. I don't know how many albums there are of this swill on facebook, but I don't think we have even INVENTED a number that goes THAT HIGH yet. So, to all you macbook owners out there, PLEASE stop taking A BILLION photos of yourself and your friends with photo booth. I get it, there are filters that make your face look funnier than it already is. Fine, have fun with that. But you HAVE to draw the line somewhere, and that somewhere is spamming MY newsfeed with that nonsense. I don't need to know that you've just tagged yourself in 300 new pictures of YOU taking pictures of YOU sitting in your room alone. I know that you're not that vain (and if you are, how have you not starved to death admiring your own face in the mirror yet?!)
...And that's what I learned today.
PS Those runs of pictures make it SUPER annoying to creep your profile on facebook too...just saying...