So if you know me, you know I'm into electronic music. And what goes with electronic music? Why drugs of course! (seriously, ecstasy makes people dance the way they really ought not dance....to call it "interpretive" would be an insult to black turtlenecked poet wanna-bes all over New York City). And naturally, the artists know this and tailor their music to those on drugs...which causes them to do more drugs and blah blah blah. Well there is a certain threshold (in the highly respected, critical opinion of the author) where one simply takes too many drugs and produces some shit that NOBODY understands. Sure you might be saying "well that's not the point you tard! The point is not to overthink it!" I absolutely get that point of view, but I defy even the most drug addled, beaded, fuzzy leg warmer wearing raver to explain this one to me.
I present to you:
1) Music: I will admit, there is a sort of odd retro charm to the music here. This is probably the least offensive part of the whole affair (except maybe the vocals...MAYBE). All of the tunes sound like they were recorded using Mr. Deacon's grandmother's old Casio keyboard with one speaker that is half blown out from the decades of abuse and cat hair clogging the speaker drivers. The drums sound like they were being played by a spastic 6 year old with only a vague understanding of how the damn things function, but somehow it all works....I don't know why or how...it just....does...
2) Vocals: ok so as always, I had to look up the lyrics on this one because, while he isn't screaming them into the microphone, he mutters pretty badly, thus leading to ENTIRELY INCOMPREHENSIBLE words. That, combined with the high pitched mewing sound (which I can only assume Mr. Deacon recorded himself) that reminds us all of a cat being violated against its will makes for an experience that can only be compared to sitting in the front row of your old middle school history class, where your teacher is about 84 years old and muttering about something you can barely pay attention to. You lean forward and try to pick up on some vague historical fact when all of a sudden, his gnarled fingernails screech down the chalkboard, snapping your head back like you were rear ended by a Mac Truck and making your teeth to that involuntary grinding thing. Yeah...it's kinda like that.
3) Lyrics: I'll record a personal video message for whoever can figure out what the fuck these lyrics are about...seriously...just...just go here....I don't even.... http://www.lyricsmania.com/the_crystal_cat_lyrics_dan_deacon.html
4) Video: Ok so for all of you with epilepsy WHO SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN WATCHING THIS VIDEO...are missing out on probably the strangest part of all of this nonsense. Maybe Mr. Deacon had a thing against epileptics...maybe one hurt his feelings when he was in the midst of his formative years, but it REALLY does not justify the flashing lights and stupid tribal symbols that are now burned into the centermost area of my visual field. Moreover, a good portion of the video is taken up by Dan himself convulsing over a table full of electronics while wearing the most fashion forward of matching grey sweats and coke bottle glasses...seriously...dude looks like a rapist....no joke...The rest of the video is taken up by smash cuts to what I can only assume are Dan-o's creepy, awkward friends dancing about in thrift store halloween costumes that include such all american greats as "That one biker that's always picked last for kickball" and "awkward not-quite-mullet guy with cop-stache" and "reject shy guy native american drum circle" (that's all I could pick up on before my eyeballs turned backwards in my skull to have a stern talk with my brain...which probably went something like "I'll fucking kill you if you ever do this again")
5) Summary: Danny-boy, who made it famous with his "drinking out of cups" video CLAIMS to never have used drugs (at least during the making of that particular video). Quite honestly, I'd prefer it if he had been using drugs during the making of this fucking thing because quite frankly, the implications of a lack of drug use are FAR more frightening than if he simply did drugs. But anyways, in summary, quite the freaky experience and almost guaranteed to give you nightmares...seriously I hope you're not watching this thing right before bed...that's just dumb....seriously...that's as dumb as...watching the video...if you have epilepsy...
Suggested Audience: Drugs....no not drug users...just drugs. If you're a particularly potent tab of LSD or ecstasy, you'll probably enjoy this song...unless you're being actively consumed by someone who is trying to figure this song out...then you'd just be dead.