I learned some basic programming back when I was in elementary school (HTML and C if you must know...yes I learned to program...not well mind you...) and I've been fairly fascinated by the whole hacker thing ever since I watched wargames back in the day. Well since learning C, my desire to learn programming plummeted from a life filled with wonder and fantasy to a deep state of depression. Semicolons became the bane of my existence (explains why you haven't seen one here yet....those sneaky fuckers...)
For those of you who don't necessarily have a deep understanding of programming, here's an example of how my days typically went.
Eric: Ok I think that code looks good. Lets run it!
Compiler: Oh hey buddy, you missed a little thing just...just right here. That's all. Totally NBD.
Eric: Why thank you compiler! I totally didn't realize I had missed a semi-colon there. I'm so silly, you're such a good friend.
Compiler: No problem buddy, I got your back. Now lets add that biatch and run this program!
Eric: Will do pal! There's the semi-colon. Alrighty! Program Launch!
Compiler: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA YOU STUPID MOTHER FUCKER! YOU ACTUALLY FUCKED EVERYTHING UP AND YOUR PROGRAM IS A PIECE OF SHIT JUST LIKE YOU! YOU SUCK AND YOU WILL NEVER AMOUNT TO ANYTHING! YOU NOW HAVE 1074 ERRORS AND THEY ARE ALL ON ONE LINE! TRY AND FIGURE THAT SHIT OUT! YOUR PARENTS ARE DISAPPOINTED IN YOU AND YOU'RE ACTUALLY ADOPTED BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
Eric: O_O I hate you C....treacherous bitch....
That's how my days went. So you can see why two weeks of this and my fragile little psyche couldn't handle the abuse anymore. I mean I don't know about you but I can only handle hearing I'm adopted so many times in one week...
But despite this horrific, paralyzing trauma, it somehow never stopped me from taking great delight in FEELING like I was coding something. Back in high school I found a programming feature on my graphing calculator. Yes I know most people used it to hide formulas for their math tests, but I just had to take it one step further. Not only did I use it to store formulas, I wanted to do SUCH LITTLE math homework that I decided to program my calculator to just spit out the number for me. (Ok go ahead and make your LULZ UR SO AZN! jokes. Get over it, I programmed my calculator to DO MATH FOR ME.)
What struck me most about this though, wasn't how easy it actually was, or how useful these programs were. No what struck me was how BADASS I felt while I was doing it. Hell just the other day I was programming syntax in SPSS. Yes SPSS, its a program that does STATS! HOW AWESOME! But seriously, in my mind, as my fingers clacked away on the keyboard, I was already imagining the fate of the world depending on my abilities. Yes in my mind some shady billionaire had hacked the US Defense grid and was ready to launch a massive nuclear strike on Russia, sparking the cold war again and ensuring that the entire world would become nothing more than a smoldering crater where nothing would be able to grow for a hundred thousand years. Sweat drips down my brow as I furiously try and decrypt the walls he put in place specifically to block me out. The clock counts down as the world ticks ever closer to annihilation. It is only me and my keyboard standing in the way total world destruction. Under ten seconds. I'm almost there...
5.... Another barrier passed, almost there now
4....this last one is easy, shouldn't be long at all
3....the last line of code just have to hit the enter key
2....please stop filming this in slow-mo!
1..... *tap*
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAH YOU STUPID FUCKING SON OF A BITCH! YOU MISSED ANOTHER SEMI-COLON! YOU SUUUUUUUCK! YOU HEAR ME? SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK! YOU WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO CODE YOUR WAY OUT OF A WET PAPER BA-
...And that's how the world ends...-I mean what I learned today.
For those of you who don't necessarily have a deep understanding of programming, here's an example of how my days typically went.
Eric: Ok I think that code looks good. Lets run it!
Compiler: Oh hey buddy, you missed a little thing just...just right here. That's all. Totally NBD.
Eric: Why thank you compiler! I totally didn't realize I had missed a semi-colon there. I'm so silly, you're such a good friend.
Compiler: No problem buddy, I got your back. Now lets add that biatch and run this program!
Eric: Will do pal! There's the semi-colon. Alrighty! Program Launch!
Compiler: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA YOU STUPID MOTHER FUCKER! YOU ACTUALLY FUCKED EVERYTHING UP AND YOUR PROGRAM IS A PIECE OF SHIT JUST LIKE YOU! YOU SUCK AND YOU WILL NEVER AMOUNT TO ANYTHING! YOU NOW HAVE 1074 ERRORS AND THEY ARE ALL ON ONE LINE! TRY AND FIGURE THAT SHIT OUT! YOUR PARENTS ARE DISAPPOINTED IN YOU AND YOU'RE ACTUALLY ADOPTED BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
Eric: O_O I hate you C....treacherous bitch....
That's how my days went. So you can see why two weeks of this and my fragile little psyche couldn't handle the abuse anymore. I mean I don't know about you but I can only handle hearing I'm adopted so many times in one week...
But despite this horrific, paralyzing trauma, it somehow never stopped me from taking great delight in FEELING like I was coding something. Back in high school I found a programming feature on my graphing calculator. Yes I know most people used it to hide formulas for their math tests, but I just had to take it one step further. Not only did I use it to store formulas, I wanted to do SUCH LITTLE math homework that I decided to program my calculator to just spit out the number for me. (Ok go ahead and make your LULZ UR SO AZN! jokes. Get over it, I programmed my calculator to DO MATH FOR ME.)
What struck me most about this though, wasn't how easy it actually was, or how useful these programs were. No what struck me was how BADASS I felt while I was doing it. Hell just the other day I was programming syntax in SPSS. Yes SPSS, its a program that does STATS! HOW AWESOME! But seriously, in my mind, as my fingers clacked away on the keyboard, I was already imagining the fate of the world depending on my abilities. Yes in my mind some shady billionaire had hacked the US Defense grid and was ready to launch a massive nuclear strike on Russia, sparking the cold war again and ensuring that the entire world would become nothing more than a smoldering crater where nothing would be able to grow for a hundred thousand years. Sweat drips down my brow as I furiously try and decrypt the walls he put in place specifically to block me out. The clock counts down as the world ticks ever closer to annihilation. It is only me and my keyboard standing in the way total world destruction. Under ten seconds. I'm almost there...
5.... Another barrier passed, almost there now
4....this last one is easy, shouldn't be long at all
3....the last line of code just have to hit the enter key
2....please stop filming this in slow-mo!
1..... *tap*
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAH YOU STUPID FUCKING SON OF A BITCH! YOU MISSED ANOTHER SEMI-COLON! YOU SUUUUUUUCK! YOU HEAR ME? SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK! YOU WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO CODE YOUR WAY OUT OF A WET PAPER BA-
...And that's how the world ends...-I mean what I learned today.
See, I'm the same way, and as a result I tacked on a major in my fifth year.
ReplyDeleteLet the dream live, Eric!
I know nothing about programming but I stumbled across this game a few months ago (not via stumbleupon, just normal stumbling even though no one uses that verb anymore except to reference the website). It made me feel pretty bad ass even though it probably has nothing to do with hacking irl. (see what I did there? I used nerd/gamer lingo!) Check it out if you want.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.addictinggames.com/the-hacker-game.html
~Em
Andrew: I'll probably take the time to learn some basic computer code at some point. I do miss coding somewhere deep inside.
ReplyDeleteEm: You are a nerd extraordinaire :P