Tuesday, December 7, 2010

...Video game execs are obviously born of actual gamers

We're going to start today's post with a thought exercise. Don't worry it won't be difficult...Envision a "gamer". Think of what that kind of person is like. Take your time, I know its not easy...

Do you have that thought in your head yet? Good. Now imagine a conversation with that person. Doesn't matter if you play games or not, just think of the worst, most awkward interaction you've ever had with an individual who plays games. You shuddering yet? Are you shuddering as that individual tells you about how he pulled off a destiny cloud fist build on Lost Temple playing against a 1000 diamond. Or maybe he's describing a super tier 8 armor set that he found during a 25 man raid in Ulduar. How about that guy you met at summer camp or in your dorm way back when. You thought he'd be a cool guy to hang out with, but it turned out he had the social skills of a lemur, you know that guy who didn't know what a fist bump was and awkward wrapped your fist in his sweaty hands and shook it up and down? Yeah that guy.

Well guess what? That guy runs companies. He is rich and successful and he does important shit like give keynotes and make presentations. Don't believe me? Here's an example. (Fast forward to about 1:20 if you don't want to hear about the wii fit balance board anymore)

Did you hear that? I certainly did. Do you know who that man is? That is Reggie Fils-Aime, the non-Japanese, non-Italian, non-Hyrulean, non-pink 'n fluffy, and non-Chozo face of Nintendo. He's the dude who makes all the super important speeches and all the big announcements. He's responsible for a massive billion dollar corporation. And what did he say? "My body is ready". I heard it...you heard it...all of the world heard it...

What about this guy? Do you recognize this guy? No? Well I'll let you in on a little secret. That's Steve Ballmer. Name doesn't ring a bell? Try the CEO of Microsoft. Yep the same CEO of Microsoft that was named one of the richest people in the world in 2010 with an estimated wealth of $13.1 Billion (Apparently that gold flaked antiperspirant doesn't quite work as well as it's price tag would indicate...)

Well apparently that awkwardness that you're used to experiencing with these folks? Well it doesn't go away. Now before you all get up in arms about my stereotyping gamers into these shoebox categorizations, lets be honest with ourselves for a little bit. Do you think Reggie Fils-Aime was a super duper popular jock who slept with every single female in a 50 mile radius? (I like to imagine so...because that would raise MY odds of not repelling anything with two X chromosomes in that same radius....) I'm gonna say chances are...no.

BUT this should serve as a fair warning to all you people out there, stealing lunch money and tossing kids in dumpsters. One day, you might be watching that same dorky kid on TV announcing that big new piece of technology that you've been anxiously waiting for. And then you will know that he has beaten you. So be nice to the geeks, you never know where they'll go or what they'll do. Maybe one day they'll be your boss. (Or...if they're like the star wars kid...they'll sue the EVER LOVING SHIT OUT OF YOU and make sure your CHILDREN'S CHILDREN'S CHILDREN WILL BE PAYING OFF THAT DEBT).

...And that's what I learned today.

PS Prizes to whoever can name each and every reference I made in that Nintendo section. And now asking Wikipedia THAT'S CHEATING AND I WILL CATCH IT!


  1. you edited wiki so that there is either one too many or one missing right? thats how you catch cheaters? teachers do that sometimes...

  2. Beware the "anything with 2 X chromosomes" claim.....

    Klinefelter's syndrome