Tuesday, November 9, 2010

...So called "Healthy" snack bars are a scam...

So you've seen the commercials on TV. The promises of losing two jean sizes in a week, cutting fat, getting healthier blah blah blah. But of course in order to do so, you have to use their products. Because remember (says the super skinny lady on TV that you either want to be or have sex with depending on if you're a girl or a guy) it's easy if you just buy ALL of our branded products. It's a system that you NEED to follow if you want to be/do someone like me! Naturally these products aren't cheap. In fact...they cost a shitload of money....BUT beauty/casual sex with hot women isn't cheap! And naturally if you break the system....well presumably God destroys every cute creature on the planet, the universe explodes and you die fat and lonely, miles away from ever looking like/having sex with that spokes-model.

Well after spending WAY too much time at the grocery store today, I have come to one conclusion. All of that is BULLSHIT. Lets look specifically at Special K 90 calorie bars. YAY THEY'RE ONLY 90 CALORIES PER BAR! HOLY SHIT THAT'S LOW you may be thinking to yourself at this point. But even a mild perusal of ANY OF THE NUMBERS on the box gives away their secret. Lets compare these super healthy low calorie bars to say...I don't know....Honey Nut Cheerios Milk and Cereal Bars. You know those super sweet bars doused in sugar with that substance they so questionably call "milk" in the middle? Those cereal bars that you always wanted to get as a kid but your mom never bought them because she said they would give you SUPER diabetes, Herpes AND your eyes would fall out? Yeah those super unhealthy things. Well lets compare some of the numbers here....

I'm doing this from memory so my numbers might not pass academic rigor...but fuck it, you get what you pay for...

So each Special K bar weighed about .8 ounces. That is there are .8 ounces of STUFF that you will be consuming. Each Milk/Cereal bar was about 1.4 ounces. Each Special K bar was...well...90 calories...duh...Each Milk/Cereal bar? About 140. Now bearing in mind, the milk and cereal bars are larger than the special k bars, the caloric content is JUST about the same per ounce. But ERIC! I hear you cry. They said those special k bars are healthier! But what you're telling me is that the super-terrible-for-me-gives-me-herpes-and-makes-my-eyes-fall-out bar is....just as...bad...er...good for me?

Short answer? Yes. Better in fact. Those super sugary milk and cereal bars actually had MORE vitamins and minerals ACROSS THE BOARD when compared to the Special K bars. ("AH but the Special K bars are SMALLER so naturally they have LESS vitamins!" you protest. Well no.....see because 1.6 multiplied by ZERO is still ZERO dipshit).

So in the end, all granola bars are JUST about as healthy as one another when push comes to shove. It doesn't matter if it has fruits and nuts, condensed milk or sashimi bison inside of it. As long as you do some SIMPLE MATH, you'll see that nothing is really any more or less healthy than anything else. (as far as granola bars go....pop tarts are just plain fucking bad for you...)

And that's what I learned today.


  1. I spend time looking at the nutrition labels on granola bars every time I go to the grocery store (I eat a lot of granola bars... what can I say?) I've pretty much come to the same conclusion, although my new rule is that I'm trying not to eat anything that has ingredients that a third grader couldn't pronounce.

  2. That's probably a good rule to follow hahahaha