Saturday, November 6, 2010

...Gamers were not designed to function vertically...

So for those of you not in the know, the Xbox 360 Kinect came out recently. And for those of you who really don't know, it is a motion sensor that connects to your 360 which detects the movements of your actual body via about a billion points of infrared light scattered across the room. Think of it as a Wii, but you flail your body instead of a small white plastic dildo. Well, I said that, unlike its Nintendo counterpart, the Kinect was far more unlikely to cause serious bodily harm to the players or to their property. Well leave it up to the gaming community to prove me wrong within hours. We have already had our first few documented cases of grievous bodily harm AND massive property damage, both from Kinect use. In one instance, a man (playing volleyball, or rather KINECT VOLLYBALL EXTREME MASTERS CHALLENGE 4000: SUPER SHOVELWARE TEABAG EDITION...or whatever the fuck it's actually called) actually managed to "spike" the chain dangling from his ceiling fan into the face of his super nice, super expensive, super breakable, and now super fucking useless, TV.

Seriously gamers? There isn't even a faulty strap to blame this time. You've nobody to blame but yourself. I'm just waiting for the fighting game to really catch on. Because then some idiot is going to put his FOOT through his TV. Now imagine when 3D gaming catches on (because you know it will, fucking everything is going into 3D these days...movies, TV, books, porn, hell even real life is now in 3D!). 3D gaming+Kinect+The average pasty gamer's uncoordinated hamhandedness=Huge upshot in sales for new LCD TVs. I can't wait to hear about little Johnny McNofriends (whose gamertag is inevitably M4sTeRChI3FRULEZxXxXxXx) putting his fist through his television exclaiming with delight "It's like I'm REALLY HITTING SOMETHING!".

Lets face it, come up with some wonderful new technology that is going to change the face of gaming as we know it, and some moron will figure out how to break something expensive with it. I'm just waiting for the inevitable, "holy shit I tore my ACL playing Kinect" story to pop up (that's an awkward doctor's visit...but probably still less awkward than the one that person had a week before when he got a marble stuck up his nose). You know it will. Ultimately, gaming and movement just don't work together. We didn't get stupid good at Halo because real sports that require real coordination were just TOO EASY. We play video games to sit on our ass, blow virtual shit up and wipe more radioactive Cheetos-dust on our sofas, not to move around or be active.

And that's what I learned today.

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