Wednesday, February 2, 2011

...I'm not sure if my dog is retarded or an evil genius...

My opinions on him are in constant flux. Every time he leads me to believe he's really smart, he goes and does something really stupid. And every time he does something really stupid, he reminds me how smart he is.

Here's a few examples from each case.

Super Genius Dog:
-He recognizes each of us around the house by the sound of our footsteps.
-He knows not to eat his food until we tell him to
-He knows not to go outside unless we allow him to
-He knows a BUNCH of tricks (and while he isn't at the level of bringing me the TV remote yet, he's still doing pretty well)
-He knows when people are coming to the house and acts as a preemptive doorbell of sorts.
-If you try and get him to do tricks without food in your hand, he will look at you as though you've just insulted his intelligence

Super Retard Dog:
-After every meal, without fail, he takes it upon himself to lick then ENTIRE FLOOR
-He still barks madly at EVERYONE, including family members, whenever we enter the house
-He runs around the house like a madman whenever we let him out
-He runs into the bathroom and manages to close the door behind him, locking himself in

I know that's not a great list, but what do you want...he's a dog. Mostly though, I always wonder, whenever he does something he's NOT supposed to, he gives you this look that innocent look. You know, the one where they stare up at you with those big eyes. Most of the time, people interpret this look as "Why are you so mad at meeeee....I didn't do anythiiiiiing :( " But I'm not so sure when it comes to my dog. Part of the time, I feel like he's genuinely confused about my being mad at his decision to puke in my bed, other times I wonder whether he is actually just giving me that "Y U mad?" look JUST to appease me, all the while running through his skull are thoughts of "Yessssss humannnn...forgive me....forgive me that I may vomit in your bed againnnnnn MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA" (if you imagine Emperor Palpatine saying that, you'll get something resembling the image I have in my mind....also if he had hands, he'd probably be doing that sinister hand gesture know...that thing...from the cartoons....WHATEVER)

This is all true by the way. My mom let him out of his room to run around for a while, and within minutes of his release, he had run into the kitchen, eaten something off the floor, proceeded to run into my room, and vomit whatever he had eaten RIGHT onto my bed. So I washed my sheets. My mom let him out AGAIN today, and like a champ, the first thing he did was run around the house and pee on my bed. (Thank fucking god for Billy Mays and Oxyclean...and laundry machines in my house....) Well after everything had been sanitized, I chased my dog down and proceeded to yell at him. And all he did was give me that look...that "Y R U MAED?! I DINT DO NUFFING!" look. But all the while...I knew he was just plotting revenge...he would not allow this transgression to go unpunished, and he would most certainly be looking for the next opportunity to expel some novel bodily fluid on my bed, or perhaps he'll opt to try and vomit elsewhere in my room....He has declared war and I will respond in kind....believe me I'm not the kind to take this sort of insult without exacting my pound of flesh....

So I peed on his bed....

JUST KIDDING, I actually just closed the door. It's a wonder how effective that is when you're under two feet tall and don't have opposable thumbs.

...And that's what I learned today

(PS dear Firefox, Opposable is a word, stop telling me otherwise)
(PPS Happy Chinese New Year)


  1. My friend's dog is the same way, minus the barking. He will wait all day in his cage(still a puppy) for someone to let him out so he can pee. he pees outside, 20min later, pees again inside and gives the puppy dog face.

    -Paul F

  2. My dog must have been separated at birth from your dog. The barking and puking about do me (or him) in. The thing that kills me is when he stares at the wall, and he does it a lot. WTF is he looking at?

  3. So...I am to believe your dog is either a Jedi or a Sith Lord that is carefully considering each and every move he makes before he does it, just so he can giggle inwardly at your anger? Well, anything is possible. Maybe he's such a powerful Jedi he doesn't need to do the hand gesture to which you refer. You should leave cameras filming him while you're not around so you can see what he does with his powers on his own time.

  4. Cousin's dog is similar. They're just stupid.

    Recognize people, do tricks, learn quickly yet jumps at shadows 24/7. Fucking shadows.