Tuesday, February 8, 2011

...I often wonder who was the first to eat things...

With language, I often wonder who was the first person to say something and how they came to the conclusion that a certain set of sounds would come to mean a certain concept, object, action etc. (and more to the point, how we didn't end up with an entire language based around onomatopoeia...yes that's a long word, you can feel free to google it if you wish). Well I tend to wonder the same things about foods, and have come up with a large-ish list of would be innocuous list of every day foods that psychopaths must have been the first to try.


Chickens aren't such a big deal. Sure they're fuck ugly and vicious, but birds have been eaten for a long time. Eggs though make me wonder just how hungry the first person was who ate it, and roughly how many shitstorms did it take to realize they had to cook it? I mean, lets be serious. You kill a bird and find some stone type things in it's nest. Do you think that person just...bit right into it? Of all the things I wonder about, this is probably the least strange of them all. Sure they could have just seen another animal eat an egg and years of vaccines and sterilized this and hand soap that have just turned us all into War of the Worlds-esque weaklings that will eventually be brought down by some intergalactic flu whenever we finally make it to mars and will ultimately become a gooey, disgusting, flesh-melting end to humanity. Still though...chicken eggs? kinda weird...


This one is another one that kind of confuses me. An onion is not outright disgusting or revolting in any way. In fact, I imagine humans have been pulling up plants and pulling fruits off of trees for AGES. But onions are a whole different kind of strange. Once pulled out of the ground, onions are seemingly harmless, but cut into those layers and you
experience a WHOLE new world of pain. Most people think that they onion makes your eyes water. WRONG! YOUR EYES WATER AND YOU CRY BECAUSE THEY BURN LIKE SATAN'S FIERY ASSHOLE.
Bite into an uncooked onion and your mouth literally catches FIRE, your sinuses IGNITE and your and your brain wishes it had legs and arms so that it could PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE FROM THE INSIDE for being so STUPID. So this I ask you, how fucking hungry was that first tard caveman who ate an onion? EVERY ASPECT of that thing is designed to make sure that YOU DON'T EAT IT. Its defenses are SO PERFECT that professional chefs have to PRACTICE to get ACCUSTOMED to cutting the sons of bitches. That caveman must have been STUPID HUNGRY to eat the vegetable equivalent of a porcupine crossed with a skunk with FUCKING KNIVES DUCT TAPED ALL OVER IT.


Ok best for last, who was the first INSANE MANIAC that ate a GODDAMN LOBSTER? If I was the first fisherman to pull one of those bugs from the ocean, I would have likely first screamed like a middle school girl at a midnight screening of Leprechaun In The Hood, then vomited from the sheer fear invoked within me by this Lovecraftian horror, then thrown it the fuck back overboard. The LAST thing I would think of would be to keep that Darwinian nightmare on MY boat lest it decide to grow to 10000 TIMES ITS SIZE and CLEAVE MY BOAT IN HALF WITH ITS MASSIVE CLAWS. Again I have to ask myself, HOW HUNGRY was the first person who COOKED and ATE that thing?! I mean, eating livestock is fine, eating fowl is fine, but lobsters? Those are just creepy. Don't get me wrong, I love 'em, they're delicious, hell even my paintball team is named the Lobsters, but that was one brave motherfucker who ate that think for the first time.

...And those are the things I wonder about...


The rare Bladed Skunkupine (Sharpus Rawonionsus) captured by my friend Emily


  1. I learned the definition and spelling of onomatopoeia from and episode of Hey Arnold. Tv teaches me things :)


  2. haha, I'm pretty sure the egg thing came a long time ago before we developed "human sensibilities". I'm sure if you are a hungry early-mammal-critter, and see/smell this giant fuckton of easily obtainable protein sitting under a dinosaur, it'd be pretty tempting. Same thing with the lobsters, our animal ancestors weren't picky fucks like we are.

    The onion still stymies me a bit, same thing with chili peppers. The simple fact is that chilies have a shit-ton of vitamin C in them and other good things, so your brain begins to associate "burning pain" with "good nutrition" after a few times. I can only assume the onion followed a similar path...

  3. Man, Emily's picture is the funniest thing in the universe.

    I've wondered about eggs and lobster, but onions come in different varieties. Wild onions TEND to be sweeter than cultivated onions, they're not as thick or cry-y. Think about it. It probably started with chives.

    Now who the fuck started using YEAST. I mean they didn't know it was a creepy, growing substance at the time, but what were they doing, making beer bread? Sugar bread? HOW did that even happen?