Thursday, February 24, 2011

...I'm really too uncoordinated to be alive...

I know what you're thinking, you're thinking "Eric! You're a martial artist and an awesome paintball player! How could you be uncoordinated! You're such a stud!"

Ok well maybe you weren't thinking that last part...but you'll let me dream right? And yes I do do all those things (hurr hurr doo doo), but there are more things to life than paintball and Taekwon Do...far more...fundamental things that I seem to be terrible at from time to time. I refer of eating.

Yes eating...I'm occasionally bad at eating. Now do you see what I mean by too uncoordinated to be alive? I mean...what kind of person is BAD AT EATING. Well the tard writing this blog is definitely that person. I'm sure you're wondering what I mean by bad at eating. Well allow me to draw up a scenario for you that might explain what I'm talking about.

It's dinner time. I'm out at a restaurant with some friends. We're having a few beers and some appetizers, chatting gregariously about the workings of the world, deep philosophy and plans for world domination. Finally our entrees arrive (as the nachos were likely demolished long ago) and we start into our burgers. Initially there is a lull in the conversation as we all tuck in to our respective main courses at the same time. Eventually discussion arises about how good the food is, and we continue our discourse on America's foreign policy or methods to fix the federal government once and for all. No doubt at some point in the meal, I will get caught up talking and eating at the same time, and that's when disaster strikes. Chewing rapidly whilst discussing Plato's Allegory of the Cave and how it applies to the modern education system results in a brief, but blinding flash of pain. Chewing ceases as I quickly swallow whatever I had in my mouth. I make a quick check around the inside of my mouth only to confirm the worst is true, I have indeed bitten my lip (or tongue...or inside of my cheek...yeah I've done it all).

At this point, my first instinct is not "Oh god I've just separated a piece of my own flesh about the size of a dime that is now bleeding rather profusely into my mouth" (Did I get anyone to vomit there? Gag even?) No instead my first thought after inflicting grievous bodily harm upon myself is "Oh god I hope nobody at the table noticed that...." That's right dear readers, I would rather ignore my now likely terminal injury JUST to ensure that NOBODY at the table noticed what I did. And because sticking your napkin into your mouth to stop the bleeding is FAR from subtle, I just sit there and deal with it. Apparently my need to maintain an air of grace and calm around my friends is of a higher priority than my own physical well being. And generally it is only after the meal that I realize the worst bit of all of this. That bite mark on the inside of my lip will, with 100% likelihood, become a massive canker sore and make it difficult to eat for weeks.

So there you have it. It's not as though I choke on my food or miss my mouth. Oh no dear readers. Apparently my AIM when it comes to CHEWING is frequently slightly off target. It's a wonder I haven't bled to death yet from this or just actively decided to forgo food due to the pain. (seriously this shit hurts!) If this happened to any other animal in the vast animal kingdom, it's family would likely have left it behind to die so that this particular "talent" is bred out of the gene pool as quickly as possible. I mean lets be serious, an animal that fails at eating is an animal that fails at living.

...And that's what I learned today.

PS Yes I understand the irony of posting this in a public place for everyone on the intarwebs to see.


  1. A few years back I was sitting at my kitchen counter eating rice and watching television with my sister. Whatever was on tv must have been really interesting because I wasn't exactly bothering to close my mouth when I chewed. This resulted in several grains of rice falling out onto my lap.
    In my television induced stupor, I was aware enough to look down at the now AWOL grains on my pants, but not aware enough to close my mouth before I did so. Needless to say I felt like a complete simpleton, but it was a good memory for my sister.

  2. Eating is sometimes really hard...

  3. Don't worry. It happens to the best of us from time to time. I take it as a sign that the food is really good. You're concentrating on eating it more than you're concentrating on keeping your flesh out of the way.