Tuesday, February 22, 2011

...I'm a neglectful parent...

I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry...I've been ignoring you haven't I? Well I'm sorry about that...see I'm a very busy person...and...well I have a busy life...and...ok fine fine fine....you want the truth? Are you sure you can handle the truth?

Ok fine...here goes....

My name is Eric, and I'm a minecraft addict.

Wow those alchies are right, it does feel good to say it. I'm sure many of you are scratching your heads right now wondering what the hell I'm talking about (and I'm sure there are a select few of you who are grinning smugly to yourselves right now because you do know what I'm talking about...and I'm sure there's at least a couple of you who are grinding your teeth like a heroin addict trying to kick their habit). For those of you in the first group, Minecraft is a very simplistic game at first that gets very complicated very quickly. Simply put, it is an open world exploration, resource gathering and crafting game (think Settlers of Catan on STEROIDS....ok fine here's a video for all you visual learners). Now many of you may think this is boring (the same kinds of people who just don't "get" settlers...) but I would like to speak to the contrary.

What's amazing about this game is that it gives the player a very simplistic set of tools to work from. Almost everything can be gathered (save for lava...or at least I haven't tried yet) and everything can be placed down. From there, some items can be crafted into other, more useful items, and thus the game of Minecraft was born. However within the framework of the game, users have already discovered incredible things to do with Minecraft. Put it this way. The game devs gave users a simple "electricity" system that can do simple things like open doors and people went and built 16 bit processors with them....THAT's how powerful this game is (and how complex it can be).

Don't be fooled by the simplistic blocky look to it, this game is far more complicated that it's seemingly obsolete outer facade would let on. This is a game that rewards creativity, but makes you work for it. It will not simply give you the unlimited resources you need to build say, a giant castle atop an island (which my cohort and I have named Fort Kickass) or the two watchtowers topped by a million billion torches (so that in my stupidity, I can find my way home at night), or even a massive hundred foot tall penis. Nope, this game makes you work for it. It's too easy to simply build whatever you want when you have unlimited resources, this game is not going to coddle you like that.

In fact, this game isn't really going to hold your hand at all....in fact this game kind of hates you for playing it. For one thing, it doesn't give you ANY clue as to what to do when you first start (how was I supposed to know to karate chop down a tree then build a workbench then build a wooden pickaxe then mine some coal then build some torches the hide for dear life?) Moreover, if you leave even one area of darkness or one gap in your shelter for any one of three land-based monsters (who are ALL better at fighting than you by the way) to get in, you're fucked. This game pretty much hates you for ever booting it up and seeks only to destroy the beautiful structures (and or massive penises) you are trying to create. Case in point, of the three monsters (zombies, skeletons and umm...green worm like things...) two of them begin to die as soon as the sun rises. One of them does not. Care to guess which one? Right the green wormy thing...and do you know what that thing's main method of attack is? Sprinting towards you and exploding, destroying everything in it's path. That's right, the ONLY monster that can EXIST during the day BLOWS THE FUCK UP.

But like the worst kind of abuse victim, I just have to keep coming back for more. There is something about this game that is inherently fun. The expanse of the world makes me feel so incredibly tiny, and yet Fort Kickass AND the two watchtowers that Kyle and I (mostly Kyle) built are a testament to our strength, our creativity, our will, and just how FUCKED our real lives are.

So if you've been wondering where I have been and why I haven't been posting, you'll find me on my private Minecraft server hopefully mining enough Obsidian to make a GIANT BLACK TOWER on the coast which will hopefully cause all who look at it to shit their pants. (Kyle says it'll take forever, but all the best things take time....wow my social life is completely fucked isn't it?)

...And that's what I learned today.

PS: Some crazy fuck created a 1:1 scale model of the GODDAMN STARSHIP ENTERPRISE...now that is fucking crazy. Here's some links

This is the beginning

This is version 13

Lets just say...this isn't what I'M doing with minecraft....


  1. You failed to guess my smile. I'd say it was something more between amused and patronizing.

    Padawan is also ridiculously addicted to the game, which I thought was a Legos game at first because everything looks like blocks of Legos. He and his coworkers play it at work between rounds of moderating the game they are PAID to play.

    Nobody here is judging you for your addiction.

  2. hahahaha I wish i was paid to play minecraft....

  3. wow some people have WAY TOO much time on their hands... A 1:1 model of the Enterprise?
    come on....

  4. You can gather lava.

    Buckets FTW.

    Yes, despite iron's tendency to melt when exposed to extremely hot things potentially including but not limited to "lava", a bucket made out of it will apparently hold an entire block of the stuff.

    And then when you've dumped it out somewhere (preferably somewhere devoid of wood or other flammable objects such as *yourself*) you can use the same bucket to gather milk from a cow, and bake a cake with it. No washing required.