Monday, April 4, 2011

Shitty Music Monday #3!

Where last Monday's post was a schizophrenic amalgamation of screamo and 90s ravepop and T-pain style use of autotune with the kind of lyrics that only an angsty teen in the bible belt could write, this weeks post stays strong with screamo, but this time, with a side of Crunk. I present for you, with the official genre of "crunkcore":

Brokencyde - Freaxxx

1) Music: My my my...what a mess we've made. I will give Brokencyde credit for being able to come up with a beat that is halfway decent in its use of synth and drum machines, but lets be honest...the background music is NOT the issue here. In fact, out of everything, the background music is probably the least offensive thing. Refusing to stray far from conventional, proven chord structures, Brokencyde sticks firmly with what sells (going somewhat against the "revolutionary" and "genre breaking" status that they tout). But like I said, the background music isn't the issue whatsoever. A bigger issue here is the...

2) Vocals: Now we're running into some serious problems. While they do somehow manage to combine Lil Jon style party lyrics with screaming, what Brokencyde seems to refuse to realize is that you simply CANNOT smoothly combine the singing and screaming. Again though, the vocals aren't even a HUGE problem here. I mean sure, you can TECHNICALLY make anchovy sushi with marinara sauce, but that doesn't mean the end result will be at all appetizing...The only particularly offensive section of this song vocals-wise is the sad excuse for a rap breakdown that occurs partway through the beginning of the song. I'm sorry but there are exactly three rappers that can pull of the nasal sound, that's (in no particular order) Lil Wayne, Snoop Dogg and Childish Gambino (If you don't know him, look him up). YOU sir, are a pasty skinny white scene kid. I don't meant to work off of stereotypes here, but you're not exactly giving me anything to work with. It's time to face the facts, when you "rap" about bitches wanting to sex you, you sound like you are simply describing something you've seen on MTV at one time, but have never ACTUALLY experienced...But again, screaming is screaming and the lead vocals are so heavily autotuned (he could be singing I'm a little teapot and it wouldn't make a difference) that vocals aren't even an issue. The biggest offense of this song is the...

3) Lyrics: Here's where we run into the biggest problem. This song simply cannot make up it's mind who it wants to be. And I think that really illustrates the fundamental problem when you combine screamo with crunk. They are simply on POLAR OPPOSITE ends of the topical scale. When you write crunk lyrics, you write about getting shitfaced and girls wanting to do horrible nasty borderline illegal things to you. When you write screamo lyrics, you write about how the girl you loved broke your heart and how she's a bitch and she sucks and you are mired in an abyss of darkness and emotion. Do you see where those two things don't mix? Well the mutually exclusive element comes down to confidence. You just CAN'T combine the confident swagger of crunk with the cripplingly insecure bowlegged shuffle of screamo. IT JUST DOESN'T WORK. You can't talk about how you're panty-droppingly awesome in the beginning of the song and then have your bridge consist entirely of SCREAMING LIAR AT THE GIRLS YOU WERE JUST SAYING WERE ALL OVER YOU. NO! FUCKING MAKE UP YOUR GODDAMN MIND. YOU ARE EITHER THE PIMINGEST PIMPS ON THE FUCKING PLANET OR YOU AREN'T. THERE IS NO IN BETWEEN, STOP TRYING TO LOOK FOR IT, FUCK YOU.

4) Video: Here's where things just make the least sense. I get it, they're not the best paid of all bands, but I've seen better videos produced with less money. The vast majority of the video is spent with the band bobbing up and down in front of a range rover with a cadre of girls that they probably had to bribe to hang out with them, or in front of a green screen with obnoxiously bright colors and silly faux-neon words making sure that you KNOW what they were just singing (you case you missed it the first time). But between the borderline catatonic girls, the EXCEEDINGLY random pig mascot, and the somewhat abusive seeming "LIAR" section (you know, where that one dude who looks like his hair was styled using two forks and an electrical socket) looks like he's choking the girl who is dancing in front of him (with that "fuck this shit can I leave now" look on her face), you have the makings of one fucking terrible music video.

5) Summary: I've hated this song for quite a long time. I honestly don't think it has ANY redeeming qualities outside of perhaps a cruel practical joke or some kind of "hey you know what's a terrible song?" kind of discussion. The worst part of all of this is though, their fanbase is RABID in their defense of the genre. Seriously, religious fanatics could take a lesson from Brokencyde's fans. Everyone who thinks this kind of music is stupid is labeled a "hater" and is dismissed immediately as someone who just "doesn't get it". But you know what? Screw you Brokencyde fans. You don't know anything. This is not "revolutionary". The Beatles were revolutionary, this is shit. There is no other way to classify it.

Suggested Audience: I really don't know who I can suggest use this song...or even this band. The only thing I can come up with is some kind of psychological warfare, but I'm pretty sure that would be illegal under the Geneva Convention....


  1. "you simply CANNOT smoothly combine the singing and screaming."

    listen to more iwrestledabearonce

  2. I actually have listened to iwrestledabearonce and they're not who I'm talking about. I think I mostly meant in the "I'm so cool and girls love me" kind of context. Can you tell that sometimes I get ahead of myself when writing these?

    Thanks for leaving your comments Anonymous and 8069ce8a-5f3a-11e0-aace-000bcdcb8a73 (do you mind if I call you 8069c?)

  3. My mom (who was a teen during the 80's...) watched this with me and got a kick out of it. She was like, "aww, right on schedule for this decade, aren't they cute?" XD

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