Shitty Music Monday 4

So here's an interesting scenario for you. Say you were the child of some very famous movie actor...lets pick...oh I don't know...Tom Hanks. Now naturally, you'd be blessed with many things, more money than god, instant rapport with those in Hollywood, going to whatever school you could want, and a pool of genes so talented that even your sperm/eggs could win an Oscar. Now given these unlimited resources and superhuman genetics, WHAT would you decide to do with it all? Would you decide to attend a great college, get an amazing education and become the authority of whatever field you decide to pursue? Would you decide to take after your father and become a world class actor/actress? Would you devote your life and wealth to helping those in need, working to stamp out world hunger, disease and inequality? No? You want to be a rapper you say? Well that's fine...I guess...I mean...what's that? You want to be a gangster rapper? Well... I guess you could-

Enter Chester Marlon Hanks AKA Chet Haze, douchebag extraordinaire, and his song "White and Purple". Oh I'm sorry, does that sound familiar? Well it should...fucking hell this is going to be a short post...

1) Music: It's stolen...I mean..."Borrowed" from Wiz Khalifa's hit Black and Yellow...nothing more to say about this...

2) Vocals: Ok where to start with this...Mr. Haze...you're white...you come from a privileged family...YOUR FUCKING DAD IS TOM GODDAMN HANKS. There is NO POSSIBLE WAY that you sound like you're straight outta Compton. And before you start spouting off at the mouth about Eminem and how he sounds, HE grew up in a SHITTY neighborhood in a SHITTY city. YOU grew up with TOM FUCKING HANKS. Don't you DARE start with me about Eminem...But I don't know...maybe I'm being too hard on the kid...rap is rap after all...

3) Lyrics: The dude is a college kid, goes to Northwestern, I get that...but honestly...the lyrics are completely inane. I'm not opposed to rapping about college, there are many who have done it very well in fact (For example, this one and this one). The main difference between those two and this one? Well those are (for the most part) original songs. THIS song however is nothing short of a ham-handed attempt at wedging in Northwestern University frat boy lyrics with all the grace of and dignity of a virgin trying to drunkenly jam it in for the first time. It is INCREDIBLY difficult to write alternate lyrics for a song without it sounding like a cheap rip off of the original material, and only Weird Al has ever pulled it off successfully in my opinion.

4) Video: There is none....not yet anyways...

5) Summary: This is simply not noteworthy music. It's just not good, and he's just not good. In an industry dominated by same-y beats and lyrics all run through the same bullshit corporate machine, awkwardly shoehorning lyrics into a beat you didn't create (or have created for you) so that they're vaguely topical to ONLY THE PEOPLE WHO GO TO YOUR COLLEGE is NOT a way to make it big. I'm no expert in the music industry and I could have told you that. Chet, either step up your game and have some real issues to rap about or don't rap at all. Personally I'm preferable to the latter of the two options...

Suggested Audience: White NU frat boys whose main concerns are drinking and thinking they have problems (You see what I mean by "limited audience"?)