So this weekend, yet another formulaic teeny pop song has hit the intarwebs, and it got me to thinking, maybe I should write a blog post about all the songs I REALLY dislike, for whatever reason. Now bear in mind, I'm not attacking songs that I simply don't like, I'm attacking songs that I feel are intrinsically stupid. For the slower witted amongst you (which should be rare because all of my readers are wonderful, smart, sharp, quick-witted individuals who all have bright futures ahead of them and I love you all *EDITORS NOTE* It wouldn't let me do a stupid heart...stupid blogspot.) that means I won't say this country song sucks simply because I don't like country. No no, I am talking about music that anyone with ANY sense of musical taste would find disagreeable. So then, now that my disclaimer is out of the way, lets begin.
1st) Friday - Rebecca Black
Once again, here is a challenge to my readers, try and get through the entire video. I can't help but feel as though this is the closest to watching an ACTUAL train wreck in the musical sense as is physically possible. Lets break this down into sections.
1) The background music - So the background music is your typical major chord poppy boppy teeny bullshit, no problems there because there are far more popular songs by far more talented artists that have a very similar style (I'm looking at you Ke$ha *EDITORS NOTE* I originally spelled it with a 3 instead of an E as well...I think I'm going to continue this trend...after all, an artist who uses a dollar sign in place of a letter shouldn't mind me using numbers as well). Never deviating from the key of C Major is a quick way to ensure that you blend in nicely with the rest of the playing field.
2) The Vocals - Now you all should know quite well that I hate all things that have to do with Fran Drescher. That evil woman and her evil accent scarred my childhood to such a degree, that hearing anything reminiscent of it triggers a severe gag reflex within me. Well it doesn't help that Ms. Black seems to have attended Fran's English classes because the voice is EXACTLY THE SAME. I'm sorry, but whatever talent agent found you should have their career ended and their sanity tested because adding music to Fran's voice a good song does not make.
3) They Lyrics - Now everything else I'm typically willing to put up with...an annoying voice (Again, looking at you K3$ha) and poppy music aren't all THAT bad. But here is where I find this song to be the most offensive. I'm sorry, but Ark Music Productions, what kind of third grader do you have writing those lyrics (and doesn't that break some kind of US Child Labor Law?). Let me present you with some choice snippets of lyrics from this song. The "Parytin' Partyin' YEAH" part doesn't bother me that much (again, there are songs out there that do similar shit) it's the next like that bothers me the most. "Fun, fun, fun, fun" Are you fucking kidding me? Were you on some kind of deadline for this song? Did you need to get it done as quickly as possible so that you could turn your singer into some kind of nouveau rick-roll internet meme and cash in on all that fast internet money? Oh...oh I get it....the coke bucket was dry....I see. Best part is, the stupidity of the words don't end there. "Yesterday was Thursday Thursday/Today it is Friday Friday" WELL then. Not only intent on impressing us with her jaw-dropping abilities as a singing corporate puppet, I mean talented artist, Ms. Black also managed to teach us about the days of the week VERY GOOD MS. BLACK. I can see that edumacation you've been getting up for every day is serving you well.
4) IN SUMMARY - All pop music is formulaic. Try and find a pop song that isn't about drinking, sex, spending money, going to clubs and dancing. But this song is formulaic to the point that it quite literally offers us listeners NOTHING good to justify liking the song with (ie She's got a good voice, the beat is great to dance to, some of the lyrics are funny etc.). They pretty much did EVERYTHING in their power to make this song as vomit-inducing as possible. With shitty lyrics, NO meaning and a RANDOM rap interlude featuring a dude who looks like he is about 10 YEARS OLDER THAN THE SINGER AND THE ACTORS/ACTRESSES IN THE MUSIC VIDEO TALKING ABOUT PARTYING WITH THESE KIDS makes for an overall awful experience.
5) Suggested Audience - A neighbor that you REALLY REALLY want dead or committed to a mental institution (warning, you'd better invest in some really solid earplugs or just leave your apartment for a week or so, you don't want this shit backfiring on you).
PS: I want to make this a regular thing, so if you've got suggestions for terrible music, post a youtube link to my twitter or the official TILT facebook page! And if you don't follow me on twitter or haven't liked me on facebook...do so!
PPS: Regular TILT tomorrow I promise.
PPPS: Ok who managed to actually get through the whole thing?
UPDATE: So I've recently discovered just what it is that ARK music factory does. Apparently they're like glamor-shots, but for music videos. Parents pay thousands of dollars to have their child star in a faux-music video complete with a song written just for them (albeit a SHITTY song), video shoot and production. Apparently Rebecca Black is not actually a singer and she was never scouted. Since her meteoric rise to internet stardom, she has made quite a bit of money on iTunes, which she is reportedly donating to her school and to Japan disaster relief. Bonus points for her! Still the same news source reports that she'll also be coming out with a new song and full album...that makes me shudder a bit...