Wednesday, March 2, 2011

...I do strange things around cars...

As if you didn't know that already. But I figured, since I don't have much to write on right now, I'll post a short list of things that I find myself doing that I'm not quite sure if I should be proud of or ashamed of.

1) Making eye contact with drivers

Have you ever been in that situation where you're crossing a crosswalk and you KNOW you don't have enough time to cross but you crossed anyways? When that light turned green and you were still in the middle of the road, what did you do? Did you do what the vast majority of people do? Did you avert your gaze from the traffic you were so boldly denying? Did you simply stare at the ground at place one foot in front of the other? Well not I. Not only do I acknowledge the cars waiting for me as I slowly amble across the street, I make eye contact with the driver. Everyone who simply stares at the ground is choosing to ignore the car that is there, patiently waiting for their ass to get across the street so that that car can legally continue on its merry way. I on the other hand, not only acknowledge the car that is waiting, I issue it a challenge. I lock eyes with that driver as it slowly pulls towards the cross walk as if to say "I dare you sir. I DARE you to drive any closer. I know my rights as an American and it is my RIGHT to walk across this crosswalk and YOU are BOUND BY LAW to stay RIGHT where you are. And if you DARE to hit me...I will...I'll...By golly I'll...punch the hood of your car or something! RAWR!"

It's not as though I don't KNOW that if I were to get into a fistfight with a Ford F150 that I would LIKELY lose, but to me it's like staring down a lion. Boston drivers can smell your fear, and only by intimidating the SHIT out of them will you earn their respect and they won't run you over in cold blood.

2) Strange instincts kick in sometimes

So you already know that I've been training hardcore to become a padiddle champion. But there are some other strange thoughts that occasionally pop into my head when I'm driving along. Mostly, they revolve around cars who are driving down the road, and either through an accidental slip of the hand, body damage or sheer negligence at the pump, the driver of the car has left their gas cap open. Now most people would probably chuckle to themselves and think "Oh you, you are so silly. You silly person. Your gas cap is open. How silly!" and that would be the end of it. Well clearly this twisted mind goes off in an ENTIRELY different direction. My absolute first thought is always and will always be "Fuck if I had a tube and a gas can, I could TOTALLY take all their gas!" Now lets get one thing straight, I would never actually ACT on these thoughts, but they're still there. But the next thought is almost always "Shit...they should really deal with that...someone who isn't nearly as morally upstanding and civically minded such as myself would totally steal all their gas!" And THEN my next thought is "oh god my car's gas cap opens from the outside, someone could totally steal MY gas....FUCK"

By this point, I've already forgotten how I've gotten to this point in my thought process as mild paranoia sets in. Then, as I'm sure just about always happens, something bright and shiny catches my attention, I ADD hard and forget all about it. And like some kind of magical spell, I completely forget about everything that happened, and the cycle repeats itself.

...And that's some of the weird shit that I do.


  1. "Boston drivers can smell your fear, and only by intimidating the SHIT out of them will you earn their respect and they won't run you over in cold blood."

    This is totally my experience after living there... I stare down all drivers now, it's pretty funny.

  2. I never experienced a situation like what happen on you.

  3. I...don't ever cross if I don't think I have enough time. I don't even cross when the street is completely empty and there's no need to wait. I'm terrified that if I cross when I know I shouldn't that some huge semi will appear out of nowhere and run me down...

    I admire your audacity, but I will have to live vicariously through you.

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