Thursday, January 6, 2011

...This has been a slow week...

...for learnings at least. So today I present you with:

A list of things that unnecessarily terrify me

(ok well not terrify me...probably things I overreact to...would be a better way of classifying it....but fuck it I'm not deleting that...actually maybe it should be times when I feel like I'm about to die when really I'm not even close...yeah that's probably a bit closer...)

1) Opening a door only to find someone right on the other side of it.

Ok lets be fair, this is some classic slasher movie shit right here. So it's not JUST me being stupid like usual. But anyways, background. The bathroom door at my work is a pretty heavy son of a bitch that you need to use your badge to get access to. (presumably if you try and badge into the women's bathroom as a man, hidden SWAT team members drop down from inside the ceiling, they put a burlap sack over you head, beat you, and drag you away for questioning.) That means that it is one of those types of door knob...things...I don't know what the fuck they're called...but the hole in the door frame where the latch goes into...yeah that thing...anyways it's the kind of those things...that is held in magnetically and when someone badges in, the magnets release and the door swings open freely. (Fuck that took WAY too long to explain). Well the door swings inwards, and there have been several occasions where I'll be leaving and someone will push the door open at exactly the same time. Typically this results in a startled stop on both our parts, followed by the most awkward exchange mankind has ever recorded in the history of human interactions. But for some reason, as we awkwardly walk past one another, the only thought going through my head is "holy fucking shit I almost goddamn DIED back there! I'm SO LUCKY to be ALIVE. That door could have cut my fucking head off or something!" I don't know why I react that way...maybe I should stop drinking coffee...

2) Sneezing while driving on the highway

We all know that texting while driving is a big no-no (you hear that new drivers?! Oh right...they don't read this...or at least their parents probably shouldn't let them...). But there is no law against sneezing while driving. Maybe I'm just a particularly violent sneezer, but when it comes to this sort of thing (typically in the spring when all the trees in Massachusetts decide it's a great time to fuck and inadvertently rape my sinuses ALL AT THE SAME TIME), I do sneeze pretty hard. So lets picture this shall we. I'm driving down the highway, rocking out to Justin Bieber as I am wont to do, and I feel a sneeze coming on. My eyes begin to drift closed in order to keep my eyeballs in my skull (because I don't care what Mythbusters said, MY sneezes could not only pop my eyeballs out, but they'd propel through the glass of my windshield, into the car directly in front of me, through their rear windshield, the head rest and the back of the driver's skull before creepily replacing his eyeballs with my own). The sneeze reaches my nose and my entire body convulses as I let loose. Begin imagination sequence: My hands, still on the wheel at 10 and 2 (like the safe driver I am) jerk the wheel violently to one side, cutting off a family minivan. The aftershock from my sneeze causes me to jerk the wheel back across my lane into the left lane where a tanker truck full of liquid nitrogen has to swerve out of the way in order to avoid my car. It jack-knifes and skids to a halt, the tanker portion of the truck straddling all three lanes of the highway. A school bus full of honors kids is the first to make impact with said tanker truck, soaking the bus in liquid nitrogen and freezing the brakes. The bus skids uncontrollably and flips end over end Michael Bay style before coming crashing back down onto the pavement, shattering into a million pieces. I wipe my nose with a tissue.

...I clearly have an overactive imagination...

(to be continued)


  1. I totally do the first one all the time, usually with a small horrified squeak. This results either in the other person losing their shit and laughing, or being so surprised that such a noise could come out of a human being that they get a horrified expression and are just as surprised as I am

  2. You may have an overactive imagination... BUT IT'S AWESOME.