Shitty Music Monday 6

There are a few things that we can really rely on in this chaotic day and age. But if there is one thing that we will always have, even well into the twilight of our lives (assuming we don't all get cyborg-ified when the singularity comes) is the Jersey Shore. People often joked with me, asking me where does a psych major go to get advice. My response? I sit down and watch one episode of Jersey Shore and somehow, all of my problems seem to melt away and don't seem as bad. For a group of people with a pretty apparent dearth of functioning brain cells amongst the lot of them, they are all stupidly successful. Now you might think that this would make me angry, but quite to the contrary. None of them were ever burdened by an overabundance of functional neurons, and naturally in the good ol' US of A, that equates to WONDERFUL television. And while many argue that they are all very good at what they do (which is what exactly?) very rarely can one break out of the pigeonhole they are in and become truly successful across many media. In fact, only Will Smith has ever really been truly successful both as a movie star and as a musical artist (I mean COME ON! "Gettin' jiggy wit' it"? That is fucking GENIUS). So naturally, when this artist's already severely bloated ego got yet a further boost from the Jersey Shore tv show, he decided the most prudent thing to do with his amassed fame and fortune would be to release a single.

I present to you, for this, the 6th monday of shit music:

Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino - "The Situation with the situation at the situation's house where you can hang out with the situation and his situation while he gets all up in your situation...situationsituationsituationsituationsituationsituationsituationsituationsituationsituationsituationsituationsituationsituationsituationsituationsituation"

1) Music: I would call this an utterly generic cookie cutter hip hop beat, but there is really something special about this one. In keeping with the Jersey Shore way, "The Situation" has added his own personal brand of crazy to this one. And, in keeping with the Jersey Shore way, that means actually SAMPLING the like "Woah, we've got a situation" and making it PART OF THE FUCKING SONG. We get it Mike, you like yourself, you wouldn't be on TV if you didn't. But seriously, that is the worst fucking sample in the history of things sampling things (Except for that one time that I went to Whole Foods and one of the free samples was a dose of cod liver oil. That was fucking nasty).

2) Vocals: Between The Situation's already barely comprehensible accent to the Lil Jon wannabe in the background, there's not much to be said here. I mean, the guy just basically talks at you in rhythm and gets his ass autotuned just like every other mediocre musician out there. But seriously, Lil Jon should be the ONLY person who does what he does in this lifetime. Accept no imitations, because everything else just comes off as a cheap knockoff of the original (and I'm Chinese so I know ALL ABOUT cheap knockoffs)

3) Lyrics: Once again, I find I have the most problem with the lyrics of this song. I can't even blame a ghost writer for these fucking words because The Situation's grubby little finger prints are ALL over this song. Lyrics about $85 cologne and girls riding shotgun back to the situation's pad just feel...icky...I think part of that stems from the fact that I don't know the intimate, personal details of the life of, say, any other singer with similar lyrical content, and thus I have reason to simply NOT believe what they're saying. With The Situation though, I've seen him work his mysterious guido magic on people. But anyways, back to the point...a lyrical wordsmith genius voice of a generation The Situation isn't. I mean quite frankly, from a professional standpoint, The Situation's ego has likely swollen in his head to the point that it is actually putting real physical pressure on his brain inside his skull, causing him to only be able to use the word situation (you know, kind of like a pokemon, only infinitely less cute and/or badass...unless having every STD known to science is an ability...whatever it'll still be more useful than splash). So here's a game you can play. Take a shot every single time you hear them say "situation" in the song. I guarantee you you'll be dead of alcohol poisoning before the end of this fucking song (or barring that, halfway through it you'll come to realize just what you're doing and end it yourself).

4) Video: There isn't one, just a picture of The Situation being skeevy and staring at you the same way that weirdo from the Human Centipede looked at his victims...only more "ripped up like rambo"...and tan.

5) Summary: I don't know any of the other names on this single, but if they thought riding The Situation's coat tails to fame and fortune would work, they are sorely mistaken. I honestly hope this song does not get any more recognition than it deserves, and what it deserves is to be taken out back behind the shed and put out of its misery. I would be incredibly surprised if the producers of the Jersey Shore show will even let it see airtime.

Suggested Audience: Anyone who feels as though they need to be closer to the situation will likely get a pretty good simulation of the experience by listening to this, staring at a picture and somehow ended up with herpes.

PS: someone go through and count up how many times I WROTE the word situation in this fucking post...I'm ashamed of myself.