Shitty Music Monday 8

I already know that I'm going to sound like my dad writing this goddamn post...It's really an inevitability, even within the first few sentences of this post, my fate is sealed. But whatever...here goes...

Do you remember that time when you were a kid, probably in middle school, first setting out to explore and discover the wide world of music on your own? Think back to that time, that time that you finally found something really awesome, that you loved and that hadn't been force fed to you by your parental types. Do you remember that feeling of epiphany? That feeling of realizing there was more to this world than the motown, Beatles, classical and jazz that your parents ALWAYS played in the car? You felt cool, independent, like a motherfucking adult for that moment in your life. You were so proud of yourself for having found something so wonderful, so glorious, so beautiful, and you wanted to share that feeling with your parents. (Of course, this could all just have been my personal experience of breaking out from my incredibly sheltered childhood...remember I said we didn't have cable until I was in college? Yeah...THAT sheltered...) Well, if you, like me, went straight from Vivaldi to Blink 182, naturally your (my) parents were likely in for one HELL of a surprise. Well needless to say, they weren't happy with my newfound choice of music, decrying it as "meaningless noise", claiming that if gave them "headaches". But none of that mattered to you. You found what you liked and by god you were going to stick with it right up until your musical tastes changed drastically 6 months later. Well I hate to sound like my dad right about now, but I honestly find it difficult to believe that anyone, even stupid, young, impressionably teens and pre-teens are listening to this shit.

I present to you:
Scream For My Ice Cream - Blood On The Dance Floor

1) Music: Apparently I missed some kind of memo, but when did 90's style rave-pop become awesome again? (And yes, you can correctly infer from this previous sentence that I still do absolutely rock out to Cascada, Alice Deejay, and Darude...) Seriously, between this song and that poor excuse for a bridge those crabcore weirdos came out with, I like to think that that overly cheerful, needlessly bright ecstasyrave is back. Though while Alice Deejay and Cascada kept to old, outdate topics like love and happiness, Blood On The Dance Floor have localized ravepop for a whole new generation of misanthropic teens with weird hair. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Here the music is best summarized as something that I think I can safely say we all knew and loved, a reminiscent memory of a past life, the smell of your childhood home, the familiar creak of a playground swing, the feel of your favorite article of clothing, this, like those, is like a familiar sound of something you held dear to your heart, now played through the shit colored filter of terrible lyrics.

2) Vocals: (I'm going to sound like a terrible person...but here goes). You know that voice that everyone does to sound like a flamboyant gay guy or a ditzy blonde valley girl? Well that's what these vocals are. That's all they are. And yes sure sure you can make the argument that these guys are bi (yes I did some research, no I didn't look it up on wikipedia, this time the youtube comments section was my source) but that doesn't make these "vocals" acceptable by any standards. Maybe they're trying to be different, maybe they're trying to be Ke$ha (why do I keep coming back to her for some reason???), maybe that's just the way they talk, but the fact of the matter is, in the end, in a performance piece, to me anyways, it simply comes off as needlessly obnoxious, kind of like how your younger sibling would be annoying you by holding his/her finger as close to you as physically possible while screaming "NOT TOUCHING YOU NOT TOUCHING YOU NOT TOUCHING YOU!" Yeah, THOSE are the memories that these vocals bring to mind...And then the song goes to screamo...(so I guess that makes this the inversecrabcore...and no BOTDF, if you're reading this, inverting someone else's style does not make you not formulaic...just FYI)

3) Lyrics: Once again, here is where things quell up the majority of my bile. These lyrics are beyond filthy, and once again, that voice isn't doing them any help. Now this isn't the first time anyone has used the lollypop analogy (HE MEANS HIS PENIS) but somehow, it just seems creepy now. And once that bit is done, let the screaming begin. Now I've always assumed that screaming had it's place, mostly to express some kind of inner angst that's filling you up to the point that you just have to scream it out loud (see what I did there?). Perhaps this is a narrow point of view, but somehow, screaming about dancing and moving one's body on the dance floor (you know, modern, hip, poppy bullshit?) just seems beyond stupid. I mean you could scream about your goldfish dying and we, the consumer, would be understanding. We know that goldfish meant the world to you oh poor emo child, we know now that it was the only one that got you...and now that fish, your one and only friend has met its demise. You scream and we get it. But this? It equates to something like "AAAAARGH I'M HAVING SUCH A GOOD TIME! RRARARRAGGGGHHHH I'M SO GLAD WE CAME TO THIS CLUB! BLUGHUGHUHGBLBGUHUHLGLLGBGH I SEE AN ATTRACTIVE FEMALE THAT I WISH TO SPEAK TO!!! PERHAPS SHE WILL DANCE WITH ME RAHGHAHGHAHHUHGUHGH!!!" That's right BOTDF, you've even managed to fuck up screamo...and that was a sentence I NEVER thought I would have to type...All in all, the lyrics are a sad mess of hypersexualized content, misplaced lyrical/musical decisions, overused (and now creepified) penis/lollipop metaphors and a whole lot of repetition (you know...so the kids REALLY get the point)...I think I've said enough, the video has all the lyrics in it, when you're done reading along, you'll want to take a shower too...

4) Video: There is none, only lyrics that some fan put up on youtube. That's probably because whatever label they've signed to is too destitute to produce one for them, and so they've gone to the likes to myspace and other such social media sites to spread their word to all the poor little teen girls who have all finished twilight and are looking for their proverbial edward cullen in something more concrete.

5) Summary: Some quick background, does everyone know the story of Jessi Slaughter, the 11 year old girl who managed to piss off 4chan and suffered their wrath for it? (If not, go look it up...it'll make you lose faith in this country's future) Well SHE listened to this nonsense religiously and that's how she turned out. I'm not one to draw conclusions from just this one instance, but I reeeaaaalllllyyyy can't think of any adult listening to this and thinking "Hmm yes, this is a fine specimen of a tune. I cannot wait to show this to all my friends so that they too may partake in this glorious example of modernity and cultural advancement!" (did you read this and imagine me wearing a top hat and monocle while sipping daintily on a cup of tea?)

Suggested Audience: Your parents. No seriously, send this to your parents, because if they listen to this, you can simply point to BOTDF and all of a sudden, your obsession with GWAR and Turisas (or whatever else your parents deem offensive) seems perfectly reasonable by comparison.

PS: Thank god that's over, I really started to sound like my dad there...also did y'all manage to make it all the way through the song? I didn't, not even for the sake of journalistic integrity...in this case, FUCK journalistic integrity right in the eye...

...It's the end of the world as we know it...

...and I feel fine. Actually I feel kind of twitchy, but that's only because I recently drank a Worx Energy Shot (think 5 hour energy but no calories...cuz you know how fattening those damn 5 hour energies are...) Seriously though, this is probably the most awake I've felt all day, and on top of that, i can taste colors! Right, back to the point, I'm apologizing right here and right now if this post seems kind of...wander...y...because that's how my brain is working right now (that is more or less circumventing what little mental filter I ever had). Seriously, go look at my twitter stream and you'll see EXACTLY where things started to go downhill.

So here's the deal, apparently the world is ending this Saturday at around 6PM, as predicted by some christian radio station out on the West Coast. Now normally the vast majority of thinking people, would simply pay this small band of nutjobs no heed, but thanks to our recent obsession with the end of the world (take for example the movie 2012 or every other show that now plays on the History Channel...isn't that a bit fucked up? That the goddamn HISTORY channel is playing shows predicting the future? Seriously guys, go back to repeat episodes of WW2 stuff and that god awful red-neck circus called Pawn Stars), people are actually perking up their ears and paying attention. CNN has written a good blog post on the issue, recounting the stories of several individuals who have given up all their worldly possessions, forsaking their homes for large RVs upon which they have slathered their doomsday logos, travelling from city to city handing out pamphlets urging people to save themselves before Jesus makes his return. (When asked by the CNN journalist if they could cover their gatherings on saturday prior to being raptured, they effectively said "why bother...it's the end of the world...not like anyone's going to edit that or even watch it afterwards anyways" which really just reads as a polite way of saying "no and go fuck yourself").

Maybe this is just typical me, but I've always kind of thought the end of the world would happen...you know...later. When faced with the culmination of my own life, it does make me pause for thought so that I may reflect on what I've done before I am plunged into years of battle and suffering against the Anti-christ and his legion of demon soldiers (because there is NO fucking way I am getting raptured). And, as you all probably already know, I'm not entirely sold on this end of the world idea yet. I mean, Y2K was probably the closest thing we had to a real end of the world scenario and what happened? One blockbuster video charged ONE guy 100 years worth of late fees. That was it. No glitchy nukes firing from Russian, no resetting of the entire world's credit records, no epic worldwide meltdowns...in fact, not even a single computer had the common decency to gain sentience and try to take control of the world. The year 2000 passed with barely a hiccup and everything ended up fine. And THAT doomsday prophecy was based off of something real, something tangible, not just a 2000 plus year old book that has been cobbled together over centuries translated, edited, altered, translated again and reprinted at least a dozen times. To say that things MIGHT have gotten lost in translation is an incredible understatement. I mean, lets be honest, even in this day and age, they can't properly translate simple Chinese toy assembly instructions into proper English, let alone a language that has been dead for a couple fucking millenia.

I'll take this time to address my theory on the 2012 end of the world notion as well. This one is apparently based off of the Mayan Calendar ending (which, to their credit, was an incredibly accurate piece of work). There are a good number of people who subsequently took this to mean that the end of the world would end in the year 1012, you know, cuz the rest of their calendar was so accurate and all. Personally speaking though, I think that the dude just got tired of making the fucking thing. I mean, the "calendar" we're talking about here isn't some tearaway paper deal. It's a fucking slab of stone that dates back to the 5th century BCE...that's right the 5th fucking century. That means that motherfucker that carved that son of a bitch carved 25 centuries into a giant fuck-off stone block. Quite frankly, if I carved all of that, I'd want to fucking stop after a while. I'd be all "Here's your goddamn calendar, if you need a new one after that one runs out, then I'll make another one...for now, I'm gonna go take a fucking nap".

Anyways, we've had our doomsday theories before, and I'm sure we'll have even more coming. I guess what really sets this one apart from the rest is the fervor with which people are obeying it. I mean seriously, people gave up everything they owned. EVERYTHING. How embarrassed are they going to be when sunday rolls around, and everybody gets up like nothing happened and goes about their business as usual. THEY DON'T HAVE HOUSES ANYMORE. Now THAT is some poor planning. For now though, lets just take it for what this date really is, just another excuse for everyone to get plastered and make terrible decisions (because I mean really, how often in life can you use the line "It's the end of the world baby, you don't wanna die alone do you?")

...And that's what I learned today.

Shitty Music Monday #7

I feel like I'm starting more and more of these damn posts with a disclaimer, and that most people take them about as seriously as they take the rest of these damn posts. But this time, it's srs business. If you have epilepsy, you REALLY probably shouldn't watch this. I will not be held responsible for your death because you're too dumb to listen to me when I say you will LITERALLY DIE if you watch this video. Got it? Good...now don't make me repeat myself.

So if you know me, you know I'm into electronic music. And what goes with electronic music? Why drugs of course! (seriously, ecstasy makes people dance the way they really ought not dance....to call it "interpretive" would be an insult to black turtlenecked poet wanna-bes all over New York City). And naturally, the artists know this and tailor their music to those on drugs...which causes them to do more drugs and blah blah blah. Well there is a certain threshold (in the highly respected, critical opinion of the author) where one simply takes too many drugs and produces some shit that NOBODY understands. Sure you might be saying "well that's not the point you tard! The point is not to overthink it!" I absolutely get that point of view, but I defy even the most drug addled, beaded, fuzzy leg warmer wearing raver to explain this one to me.

I present to you:

Dan Deacon - Crystal Cat

1) Music: I will admit, there is a sort of odd retro charm to the music here. This is probably the least offensive part of the whole affair (except maybe the vocals...MAYBE). All of the tunes sound like they were recorded using Mr. Deacon's grandmother's old Casio keyboard with one speaker that is half blown out from the decades of abuse and cat hair clogging the speaker drivers. The drums sound like they were being played by a spastic 6 year old with only a vague understanding of how the damn things function, but somehow it all works....I don't know why or how...it just....does...

2) Vocals: ok so as always, I had to look up the lyrics on this one because, while he isn't screaming them into the microphone, he mutters pretty badly, thus leading to ENTIRELY INCOMPREHENSIBLE words. That, combined with the high pitched mewing sound (which I can only assume Mr. Deacon recorded himself) that reminds us all of a cat being violated against its will makes for an experience that can only be compared to sitting in the front row of your old middle school history class, where your teacher is about 84 years old and muttering about something you can barely pay attention to. You lean forward and try to pick up on some vague historical fact when all of a sudden, his gnarled fingernails screech down the chalkboard, snapping your head back like you were rear ended by a Mac Truck and making your teeth to that involuntary grinding thing. Yeah...it's kinda like that.

3) Lyrics: I'll record a personal video message for whoever can figure out what the fuck these lyrics are about...seriously...just...just go here....I don't even.... http://www.lyricsmania.com/the_crystal_cat_lyrics_dan_deacon.html

4) Video: Ok so for all of you with epilepsy WHO SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN WATCHING THIS VIDEO...are missing out on probably the strangest part of all of this nonsense. Maybe Mr. Deacon had a thing against epileptics...maybe one hurt his feelings when he was in the midst of his formative years, but it REALLY does not justify the flashing lights and stupid tribal symbols that are now burned into the centermost area of my visual field. Moreover, a good portion of the video is taken up by Dan himself convulsing over a table full of electronics while wearing the most fashion forward of matching grey sweats and coke bottle glasses...seriously...dude looks like a rapist....no joke...The rest of the video is taken up by smash cuts to what I can only assume are Dan-o's creepy, awkward friends dancing about in thrift store halloween costumes that include such all american greats as "That one biker that's always picked last for kickball" and "awkward not-quite-mullet guy with cop-stache" and "reject shy guy native american drum circle" (that's all I could pick up on before my eyeballs turned backwards in my skull to have a stern talk with my brain...which probably went something like "I'll fucking kill you if you ever do this again")

5) Summary: Danny-boy, who made it famous with his "drinking out of cups" video CLAIMS to never have used drugs (at least during the making of that particular video). Quite honestly, I'd prefer it if he had been using drugs during the making of this fucking thing because quite frankly, the implications of a lack of drug use are FAR more frightening than if he simply did drugs. But anyways, in summary, quite the freaky experience and almost guaranteed to give you nightmares...seriously I hope you're not watching this thing right before bed...that's just dumb....seriously...that's as dumb as...watching the video...if you have epilepsy...

Suggested Audience: Drugs....no not drug users...just drugs. If you're a particularly potent tab of LSD or ecstasy, you'll probably enjoy this song...unless you're being actively consumed by someone who is trying to figure this song out...then you'd just be dead.

...brokenCYDE even sucks IRL?!?!

Say it ain't so!

So these are some current events that aren't really current anymore, but I'll just say that there's a lag time around when I get an idea and when I post it...and let's just leave it at that shall we?

So early last week, BrokenCYDE made the news again, this time not being compared to an onion by Rolling Stone. No this time they're being accused of assault...like...the actual physical kind, not the kind where they rape our ears and collective consciousnesses.

According to the Alt Press, BrokenCYDE members got into a brawl with with another band Punchline, leaving their drummer pretty bloody. Now I don't have all of the facts, but in a classic case of "he said she said ON TEH INTARWEBZ!" Punchline drummer Cory Muro posted a picture (taken using the traditional iPhone/Mirror myspace technique) on twitter of him bleeding pretty profusely from his face and head. Accordingly Punchline's lead singer, BrokenCYDE members, along with a large group of other people (fans?) "jumped" Muro and beat him until they were pulled off of him. Well this is where things get REALLY mature. Instead of settling their problems like adults (by talking it out and/or suing the shit out of each other) or like "real men" (keep fighting until one person emerges as the winner), they get into a TWITTER FIGHT. Quoth the official BrokenCYDE twitter:

"We didn't jump anyone! Ur boy started popping off and got what happens! REALLY OVER MUSIC? grow up. A guy was talking shit for awhile and then he said it to the wrong guy and got socked up n the other guy that got into it got served as well! And all OVER MUSIC?! people need to grow up. People talk crap to us and don't realize it won't fly... Have common sense and don't hate on 10 people standing pissed off in front of you. We don't hate on anyone or any band doing their thing... Fighting over music is defeating the point of what were trying to accomplish. Literally 2 people were fighting and the rest of our crew was holding them back. The guy was talking a mass of shit before anything happened." (obviously that's taken over several tweets....)

Well lets just get right into this nonsense shall we? I'll forgive the contractions (because of the character restraint) and the poor grammar and just deal with the content of the message itself.

1) You're admitting you're guilty...I mean...I don't care who said what about whose music is shit and deserves to be killed with fire, you ADMITTED that you threw the first punch. You even said "A guy was talking shit for a while...and got socked up" (who the fuck says "socked up"...? Didn't that word die in the 90s?). So right there, you've admitted to starting the fight, which brings me to my next point.

2) You're admitting you had A BUNCH OF GUYS THERE. AGAIN you say "Don't hate on 10 people standing pissed in front of you". YET ANOTHER admission of guilt and having a BUNCH of guys there (thus fitting Punchline's side of the story that there were somewhere around 15 guys beating the shit out of their drummer).

3) You're taking the moral high ground? Aroo? Seriously? Now I'm not a legal expert by ANY means but I don't think you can say that "Ur boy was popping off and got what happens" then turn around and say "fighting over music is defeating the point of what we're trying to accomplish"....because you started the fight (physically speaking) over music (yours) and now try and claim that fighting over music (again started by you) is defeating the purpose of your music (shitty)??? And furthermore, WHAT IS THE POINT OF YOUR MUSIC? WHAT FUCKING POINT COULD YOU POSSIBLY BE DEFEATING?

Now I've been in my fair share of internet fights, but never on TWITTER (because really, it's difficult to properly formulate a logical argument/long string of curse words with a mere 140 charaters). But poor choice of venue aside, you don't defend your position by SAYING that the guy got what he deserved and that you were just defending your artistic....I'd say talent here...but...yeah....you know....yeah...

Maybe I'm just not scene enough to understand the internet slapfight in front of me, but either way, I would have handled this differently...(that is, smiled and laughed, then posted mean things about then anonymously on my livejournal while crying and eating girl scout cookies....cuz that's how I roll BITCHES)

...And that's what I learned today.

PS: For the sake of being fair and balanced, Punchline isn't being 100% mature either. But they're going with the passive aggressive route (yes more passive aggressive than TWEETING) by registering the domain "brokencydesucks dot com" and giving their album out for free on there. And while that isn't the most mature move, I think it's fucking hilarious so I won't make too much noise about it.

Shitty Music Monday 6

There are a few things that we can really rely on in this chaotic day and age. But if there is one thing that we will always have, even well into the twilight of our lives (assuming we don't all get cyborg-ified when the singularity comes) is the Jersey Shore. People often joked with me, asking me where does a psych major go to get advice. My response? I sit down and watch one episode of Jersey Shore and somehow, all of my problems seem to melt away and don't seem as bad. For a group of people with a pretty apparent dearth of functioning brain cells amongst the lot of them, they are all stupidly successful. Now you might think that this would make me angry, but quite to the contrary. None of them were ever burdened by an overabundance of functional neurons, and naturally in the good ol' US of A, that equates to WONDERFUL television. And while many argue that they are all very good at what they do (which is what exactly?) very rarely can one break out of the pigeonhole they are in and become truly successful across many media. In fact, only Will Smith has ever really been truly successful both as a movie star and as a musical artist (I mean COME ON! "Gettin' jiggy wit' it"? That is fucking GENIUS). So naturally, when this artist's already severely bloated ego got yet a further boost from the Jersey Shore tv show, he decided the most prudent thing to do with his amassed fame and fortune would be to release a single.

I present to you, for this, the 6th monday of shit music:

Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino - "The Situation with the situation at the situation's house where you can hang out with the situation and his situation while he gets all up in your situation...situationsituationsituationsituationsituationsituationsituationsituationsituationsituationsituationsituationsituationsituationsituationsituationsituation"

1) Music: I would call this an utterly generic cookie cutter hip hop beat, but there is really something special about this one. In keeping with the Jersey Shore way, "The Situation" has added his own personal brand of crazy to this one. And, in keeping with the Jersey Shore way, that means actually SAMPLING the like "Woah, we've got a situation" and making it PART OF THE FUCKING SONG. We get it Mike, you like yourself, you wouldn't be on TV if you didn't. But seriously, that is the worst fucking sample in the history of things sampling things (Except for that one time that I went to Whole Foods and one of the free samples was a dose of cod liver oil. That was fucking nasty).

2) Vocals: Between The Situation's already barely comprehensible accent to the Lil Jon wannabe in the background, there's not much to be said here. I mean, the guy just basically talks at you in rhythm and gets his ass autotuned just like every other mediocre musician out there. But seriously, Lil Jon should be the ONLY person who does what he does in this lifetime. Accept no imitations, because everything else just comes off as a cheap knockoff of the original (and I'm Chinese so I know ALL ABOUT cheap knockoffs)

3) Lyrics: Once again, I find I have the most problem with the lyrics of this song. I can't even blame a ghost writer for these fucking words because The Situation's grubby little finger prints are ALL over this song. Lyrics about $85 cologne and girls riding shotgun back to the situation's pad just feel...icky...I think part of that stems from the fact that I don't know the intimate, personal details of the life of, say, any other singer with similar lyrical content, and thus I have reason to simply NOT believe what they're saying. With The Situation though, I've seen him work his mysterious guido magic on people. But anyways, back to the point...a lyrical wordsmith genius voice of a generation The Situation isn't. I mean quite frankly, from a professional standpoint, The Situation's ego has likely swollen in his head to the point that it is actually putting real physical pressure on his brain inside his skull, causing him to only be able to use the word situation (you know, kind of like a pokemon, only infinitely less cute and/or badass...unless having every STD known to science is an ability...whatever it'll still be more useful than splash). So here's a game you can play. Take a shot every single time you hear them say "situation" in the song. I guarantee you you'll be dead of alcohol poisoning before the end of this fucking song (or barring that, halfway through it you'll come to realize just what you're doing and end it yourself).

4) Video: There isn't one, just a picture of The Situation being skeevy and staring at you the same way that weirdo from the Human Centipede looked at his victims...only more "ripped up like rambo"...and tan.

5) Summary: I don't know any of the other names on this single, but if they thought riding The Situation's coat tails to fame and fortune would work, they are sorely mistaken. I honestly hope this song does not get any more recognition than it deserves, and what it deserves is to be taken out back behind the shed and put out of its misery. I would be incredibly surprised if the producers of the Jersey Shore show will even let it see airtime.

Suggested Audience: Anyone who feels as though they need to be closer to the situation will likely get a pretty good simulation of the experience by listening to this, staring at a picture and somehow ended up with herpes.

PS: someone go through and count up how many times I WROTE the word situation in this fucking post...I'm ashamed of myself.